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#417093 - 11/24/12 07:18 PM Getting through the holidays
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
My H hates this time of year. It was during the holidays that his abuse started and since coming forward with it exactly one year ago, we have been up, we have been down, we have nearly separated, and everything in between.

We seem to have gained some level footing, but again, the holidays are here. I cannot put up Christmas decorations because it sets him off. Any thing that has an anniversary attached to it (on one date the Penn State news broke, on another date he finally told his parents, on another date something else happened..) he hyper focuses on, triggers, and then down the rabbit hole he goes.

It makes it nearly impossible to enjoy the holiday, or any other really. His parents are in town and I didn't want to go out with them today. I just couldn't put on the show. This upset my H and of course brought the whole thing back to him and how he is no good for anyone to be around, etc, etc, etc.

I have long since given up enjoying holidays until he has made some progress, but can any of the partners out there tell me how they SURVIVE the holidays under these circumstances?

Edited by Valkyrie (11/24/12 07:20 PM)

#417100 - 11/24/12 09:42 PM Re: Getting through the holidays [Re: Valkyrie]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
I hate the holiday season too.

It wasn't always that way, but life happens and bad things happen and it has made the holidays an incredibly painful time of year. I don't think you and your husband are alone in this. Suicide rates go up significantly during the holiday season.

The media makes it seem like everyone should be happy and merry...spending time with family and friends, laughing and sharing - but that's not reality for many people. For most, it is a lonely, depressing time. Watching all of the "happy" people makes many of us even more sad...we feel more alone than usual.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice to give.

...I just want the holidays to be over with.

#417101 - 11/24/12 10:14 PM Re: Getting through the holidays [Re: Valkyrie]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3849
I use to like the holidays, I enjoyed the Christmas decorations, lights and getting the outside ready. But as the memories began to take over six years ago, I lost all interest in the holidays--just drudgery and feeling lost, the memories of the abuse seem to get worse during this time, more intense and frequent. I look for them to come and go.

#417130 - 11/25/12 03:56 AM Re: Getting through the holidays [Re: Valkyrie]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

I know that, my whole deal started around the holiday season, as that was the window of time for when my uncle could gain access to me.

I kind of thought that the first time was some sort of fluke, but when it happened a second time, it was basically made clear that, I was no longer safe. He was basically saying in a physical manner, that he could "have" me whenever he "wanted" me.

This reminds me of the scene in "Conan" where the maiden was on the snake people's alter. This was "when" I was altered. Regardless of anything that transpired beyond that, I still feel "The Breaking" as one of my most traumatic experiences.

Seriously, I too struggle during this time of year.

I don't really have any advice, as I am not a "T" (all I can really do, is share is my experience).

I think it starts with seasonal affective disorder. I talk to my sponsor, he reminds me that that that was "then" and this is "now". (for some reason, I feel that pain shared is pain lessoned). I have really try hard over the years to desensitize my triggers...and every year it is a process...

At the end of the day, my deal is this...

"The best revenge is living a good life"...(Sure, I get weak and lose sight in this belief).

But, at the end of the day, my deal is this...

The goal never changes.

Because if the goal ever does change, that means I have lost all hope, (and if I lost all hope, "He" wins by default).

Now, I am back..."The best re...

The World I know (Collective Soul)

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#417138 - 11/25/12 05:59 AM Re: Getting through the holidays [Re: Valkyrie]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I hate the holidays because it reminds me how alone I am.

#417143 - 11/25/12 06:54 AM Re: Getting through the holidays [Re: Valkyrie]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:43 AM)

#417245 - 11/26/12 12:39 AM Re: Getting through the holidays [Re: Valkyrie]
misscrespo Offline

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45

I am not a survivor, just a supporter, but I still hate them because IT REMINDS ME I HAVE NO FAMILY. This is the time when everyone is supposed to get along, but the reality is that I have a sucky family and I want nothing with them or my partner's family (his abusers)

RunningOnEmpty, last year that was basically what my partner wanted for Christmas, we argued cos I knew he would go down the destructive path but he insisted so much I ended up agreeing to his bulls*it. I am sad to say I was absolutely right and everything I was afraid of happening, DID happen.

But so much has happened since and my partner has actually completely stopped seeing his family, we've moved away from both our families and this will be OUR christmas, even though neither of us is excited about the holidays, we are looking forward to spending some time alone. This is not our first holiday season on our own, and I must say, being just the two of us and our cat are the best christmas we've had.

it gets better

(or at least i want to believe so)



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