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#416833 - 11/21/12 06:22 PM Been looking for help with this all over the place
txt0791 Offline

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 3
Loc: Kansas
I am not new to this board but, I signed up in a crisis moment and then promptly forgot about it while trying desperately to once again shove all this back in the closet.

Sorry this may be a long post..... I have a lot to say and I need to ask for some advice.

I was abused by another kids in the neighborhood from the age of five to ten. It caused all kinds of havoc in my life that sounds like it comes right out of a psychological case study.

Early substance abuse, SSA confusion, early heterosexual experiences to prove that I wasn't gay, severe depression, suicidal ideation, self-destructiveness, PTSD, helplessness, hopelessness, constantly getting into relationships with people that would continue the abuse either through physical, sexual or emotional violence. The list goes on and on and on.

My life has been a very slow progression of dealing with the CSA on again and off again since I first got clean and sober at 17. Years of ignoring it and pretending I was completely "fixed" and normal followed by a crisis either triggered externally or generated by the silent frustration building up.

My first marriage was a complete failure from before it even really began. I went through my teen years and young adulthood believing that somehow some way I would just cease to exist. I didn't know I would go poof but I was convinced that I would never see my 20th birthday. As each "I should be dead by then" birthday passed I would just move the marker.

When I was 27 I had my second child (the first one I did not raise and still do not have contact with) and that replaced my desire to stop existing. At 30 I had my third child. Then my already bad marriage to their mother began to really unravel. I started drinking to cover up the pain and at 35 I found myself in divorce court.

I got clean and sober again, for my kids at first and then I stuck with it because like me sober much more than not. I moved 500 miles away from the kids because I could not find a job in that matched my skill set in the city where we lived. I drove form point A to point B every other weekend, called my kids every night just to say I love you. They were the center of my reconstructed life.

I met my current wife in 2007 and our relationship moved from making out on the couch to living together to married in the space of about 9 months. She also lives sober and we have supported each other through many, many issues and loved each other more and more. We went to couples counselling during a rough patch. We are committed to each other in a way I never knew was possible.

In 2010 my current wife and I gained custody of the two kids, now 14 and 12, and we have a brand new life in our family who is just over 9 months old.

This rebuilt life with my second wife is the greatest thing that has ever "happened" to me and she and I continue to work all the time on making our love for each other stronger. It has been amazing.....

All through all of this there has been this lurking demon. The insecurity, the confusing SSA (not to the men themselves just to male genitals), anal sex, etc. Obsessive porn consumption, compulsive masturbation always with a heavy mixture of shame and guilt. The biggest problem behavior was the sudden drive to buy sex toys and use them but only by myself. Then guilting and shaming myself and disposing of them all in one fell swoop hoping that the compulsion was now gone, that I wouldn't need them any more. Then the desire and compulsion would build and it would start all over again.

My wife began to pick up on it. The sudden rash of purchases from the local adult shop or online. Some bit of evidence left behind. We spent about four years dancing around all of these issues until I just finally told her what was going on. She had fears and reservations about what it all meant about my sexuality and our relationship. It was a very rough month or two.

I have been dealing with Major Depression disorder since my teen years. It is finally being treated medically and though I still have crashes it is far more stable than it has ever been. I take multiple medications specifically for the depression and recently discovered that I am Testosterone deficient and that is being treated too. Most recently my Dr. (combo Endocrinologist and Psychiatrist) added a new medication to help with the constant fatigue that was the last of the profound symptoms related to the depression that would just not respond to anything. The new medication is a stimulant that is most commonly used to treat narcolepsy and it has been hard to adjust to it and find the right dosage and when to take it to keep it as effective as possible without over doing or under doing it. That is starting to level out now.

When I started this new drug something else popped in me. Namely my normally oppressed/repressed emotions are bubbling to the surface. It has been both a blessing and curse. I feel far more connected to my life, to my kids, my wife I am faster and sharper at work. It's not that same coke/speed false sense of confidence this is far more, I don't know, real I guess.

I have been searching high and low for information, advice, exercises whatever to help address something that this has really brought to the surface with my sexuality that has been with me for as long as I can remember. As a younger man it was something I got a lot of praise for but my partners had no clue what was really going on. I have rather unusual stamina. Even when I have private time and decide to masturbate because I know I won't be disturbed, it can take an hour. With the solo thing I have learned to accept it and ease into it and actually enjoy it. With a partner it's a completely different matter. With a partner I completely detach my mind from my body and become what I have come to describe as a piece of furniture or a sex toy there just of the pleasure of the other person. I become a thing not a person. I have no needs, wants or desire. Then based on some queue from my partner it becomes clear that it's time for the sex to end and because I'm a man it only ends when I orgasm and I find myself feeling pressured emotionally and physically to force myself.

It is not every time. There are times when I have felt very connected to my wife and things felt more loving and natural. That is not the norm though.

We decided to try a role play idea out and it triggered a chain reaction in both of us and for me the result has been that I cannot stand to be that inert, passive, block anymore that then ends up stressing so hard at the end to force an ejaculation that many times I ejaculate without and orgasm and have to "fake it".

I want my needs to be addressed to. I want to be able to relax and enjoy and learn to keep myself present and in the moment with my wife. I want to feel the sensations and enjoy myself on a level that I have always denied myself. Because of learning to relax with masturbation I have learned how to open that door and I want to be able to bring that to my sexual relationship with my wife.

The problem is that, I don't know, because of the reverse performance anxiety I have always had or the lack of practice it takes a long time for me to orgasm in an unforced and natural way and that is frustrating for my wife because then she feels like the roles have reversed. It takes so long that she looses interest and then she's the object in the room instead of me. If I allow her to end up feeling that way, because I know how it feels, it will break my heart.

I have been looking for books, web sites, anything that addresses this but all I can find is information about lack of libido, premature ejaculation or touching exercises.

Does anyone else have experience with this type of problem?

#416843 - 11/21/12 11:11 PM . [Re: txt0791]
ALovingMum Offline

Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 51

#416910 - 11/22/12 08:27 AM Re: Been looking for help with this all over the place [Re: txt0791]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
I experience similar difficulties in my own recovery. Like you my SSA is fixated on male genitalia although for me it is orally based because that is how I was abused. Also, I definitely associated sexual gratification with shame and guilt so don't think you are a lone on that one. Same goes for the depression and suicidal ideation. It also sounds like you share the same problem I do with sex, namely being a "performer." I idea is we detach ourselves and do whatever is necessary to gratify our partners rather than enjoying a shared experience. Trust me when I say it is pretty much all attributable to your CSA and that there is opportunity for healing. There is a section here dedicated to recovery materials (books, articles, etc.) but a book a lot of male survivors recommend beginning with is "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. Don't be surprised if, while reading recovery materials, you hear yourself saying "that's me." At least, that is how I felt reading some of what you shared with us tonight. It's really amazing, that sense of isolation and shame, the former is untrue and the latter doesn't belong to us at all.
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh


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