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#416026 - 11/12/12 01:12 PM Pain from the Memories-Becoming Whole???

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
As you know I went back to the place of the abuse. Since then the memories have been flooding in, so vivid and real. I see so much more of the details, the pain on the child's face, the priests smirking grin telling me I am special and this is our secret. It feels like the here and now. It is overwhelming, my arms are scratched from trying to get him off me. I am trying to remain here but my mind wanders. I hope this is part of the healing process because I do not feel too much inner conflict between me and the part that really believed the perp loved him and that all acts were signs of love and these acts bring love. Maybe the afternoon in the cellar this part of me saw the hurt and pain. Maybe he could see the perp did not love him and used us and the other boy. Are we becoming whole? I do not know--so many emotions. I just want to be happy and not fighting within myself, but right now I am in pain and emotionally drained. I want to see the happy tomorrows.

If we had a physical wound, everyone would see our pain and understand, but our wounds are buried and no one can see them--so many dismiss us. These wounds are so real and painful.

Everything about accepting the past is so hard.

#416071 - 11/13/12 01:33 AM Re: Pain from the Memories-Becoming Whole??? [Re: KMCINVA]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I too have returned to the place where I was sexually abused. I was a mixed bag of emotions. The predominant feeling was one of loss, the loss of my innocence and my rite of passage as an un-abused boy. The memories came back full force when I admitted to myself that the sexual abuse had an impact on me. When I acknowledged that I was powerless young boy programmed to keep his secret, and conditioned to accept all the lies he told me the floo gates opened and out came the emotions. I spent many nights crying, and felt truly angry.

I know the inner conflict you feel. In a recent post I wrote called "But he was gentle" I described that I honestly believe him to be my friend, and I a part of me enjoyed parts of the abuse. At least the physical parts. That has been the hardest to admit, because it feels like I am admitting to being complicit. But I try and remind myself that my body is coded to enjoy physical sensations. I also remind myself that what I thought was "friendship" was actually exploitation and betrayal. We were lied to, and because as children we wanted love and affection we latched on those lies and held them as truths.

Undoing that conditioning takes time. Replacing those old tapes in our brains takes time. But we WILL get there. Heal well brother.


I am the warrior.

#416108 - 11/13/12 03:00 PM Re: Pain from the Memories-Becoming Whole??? [Re: KMCINVA]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
thank you. I think facing the place, which is pretty much the same as it was all those years ago, still flash in front of me when I am not expecting it and I find my mind wondering and next thing I know time has passed. I seem to want to escape but eventually I come back. After being in the cellar the memories are so real even though I see the child, me, and I am not him anymore. But in a way, the abuse has shaped who I am and robbed me of a full life--I just hope one day I will have a life with continuum without gaps in time and not knowing where I am.

I guess the new memories are somehow working with the old memories. But the old memories, the painful ones seem to prevail. My T believes in time I will be in a better place, because I will accept and balance the new memories of being there and not be harmed, other than by my own emotions and memories. It is so sad, that anyone has to live with these memories.

Edited by KMCINVA (11/13/12 03:29 PM)

#416110 - 11/13/12 03:12 PM Re: Pain from the Memories-Becoming Whole??? [Re: KMCINVA]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 756
Loc: VA
I looked for the summer camp where my bad experience happened, and there was no trace of it--nor had anyone in the county offices heard of it, nor was there any advertisement or mention of it in microfilmed local newspapers. I tried hunting for it in 1995, a mere 36 years after the rape. I did find a familiar road from that era, still unpaved and with the same name, and a flooded quarry (swimmin' hole) nearby with the same family name as the person who ran the camp.

All this was creepy enough--I'm not sure I could have kept it together if I'd found the place. Kudo's to you, KMC!

John C.

#416113 - 11/13/12 03:31 PM Re: Pain from the Memories-Becoming Whole??? [Re: KMCINVA]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
I don't know how well I kept it together--I broke down and sobbed. I got out and two days later when I returned for the funeral I was able to make it through--just a few minor flashbacks but I was able to pull myself back to the now.




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