I have anger, but keep reflecting it inwards. A few times however, when I am reviewing my feelings, I break through and direct my anger towards the hundreds of men who took advantage of me... but the thing is, I do not know the identity of most of them, it happened online, it happened years ago, they lived mostly abroad in the US or UK....and what could I do? By outsourcing my anger in the proper direction to me is a breakthrough.
I might say though, that my anger does not manifest itself in my actions towards others. Only in either actions towards myself or have it fester into anxiety and snappyness towards my loved ones. I know what you mean, I want my normal self again. Thing is, this abuse happened as I was a teen, and then from my few years as an adult, I was raped....all the while, until last year when I was 20, these feelings repressed. Therefore, I have never had a normal.
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."