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#504410 - 11/28/16 10:46 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 102
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
I am not sure this counts, if it does it would have been my first attempt (AND CORRECT MY EARLIER POST)...

At 8, I was working the Palmer House in Chicago just about every weekend. One of my regular "clients" put his full weight on me for an extended period. It was to the point I could not breathe. I could have done something to get his attention, I didn't. Last thing I remember was how my arms and legs were tingling, I was seeing stars and was very light headed. My vision narrowed to a tunnel and I was out. It was my john's ego that saved my life, when he looked down at me to find out why I was suddenly still. He saw my lips and face were blue and he freaked. When I came to I had the mother of all headaches. The experience did change how he "played" with me during future sessions.

I do remember feeling disappointed at the time. I honestly do not know if I was hoping to die or not. Is not fighting to stay alive, the same as trying to end your own life...

Today I am glad I didn't die.
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis

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#504604 - 12/05/16 04:17 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1466
Loc: New York
Hey Izzy

I was trying to think of how to answer you. I was in the skin game since i was at least 9. I don't remember my life before that. That said I was taken into the porn movie business in '65. It was a year and a half of torture. I dreaded going there every Tuesday after school, I was 14. Sometime I never went to school for days after. My first suicide attempt was at the start of the 10th grade. the second was that November. There was no way that I couldn't show up. I was forced to abuse and have sex with young children. If I didn't the child was beaten and then me. I tried to not hurt anyone but if it was picked up by "them" I was beaten very badly and then I had to watch how they beat the child mercilessly. I was electrocuted and had an incident with a gun to my head. I was in a position where no matter what I did if I didn't do as told not only would I get beaten but the child also. These kids were anywhere between 6 and 10. I only know that because I can compare the looks of my grandchildren to them at those ages. I might be off a year or so but they were very young children. The last thing I wanted to do was be there. I was too afraid not to show up. They said that if I didn't they would kill the child. I have no doubt that they had killed children but not because of me I hope. but that's another story.

I along with children were abused by huge ugly bodybuilders. I can to this day not look at a muscle bound guy or gal. I would like you be put in positions where I could not breath. It was an awful felling as you know. I also wished that while I was having my neck in a headlock I had to do shit that was horrible. If it was against a child I had to watch while they beat and choked the child. Screams and crying turned into silence with eyes popping out of that poor child's head. It was brutal and I do believe in snuff movies but that's not for this post

The two times that I tried to commit suicide I really wanted to. But almost every other time I just wish I wasn't there even if I was to die. SO yes we did feel disappointed because we didn't die and had to continue with what we were forced to do.

I got married at 26 and I got out of the life. I with my wife had a family. So yes I'm happy I didn't die. But I still wish I did. Even though I had no choice with the children it haunts me till today and that is one of the big reasons I'm here on MS. Along with therapists and meds I am making due. At the time I wish I was killed which they would have been OK with but they needed me for their own sicknesses. I did want to die but now, I'm glad I didn't. They never threatened me with harm to anyone else but those kids. I still cannot look at my grandchildren and when my six kids were small I never did homework with them or had a catch with them I wasn't in their lives. My wife brought up the kids. The way I look at it is that only my dick was needed to have a family. I was never involved although nobody even my wife knew why.

I don't know if this answers your question but it is what it is. Sorry I didn't write sooner.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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