Mine is just a picture I took of myself for this forum. I'm half hiding my face, primarily for privacy, but also because I feel this part of me is still shameful and something I feel obligated to keep hidden.
this is very helpful and healing...it makes me very sad to read the stories behind the names and avatars of men who i never see on the site...i wish they could be here giving us...the golden key to get out of the pain and mess...
my name appealed to me because it sounds so free and easy, almost hippie, more serious but carefree, at first glance. But the real meaning is an unstable cell that causes cancer and I'm nothing if not unstable and have made havoc of my life and the lives of everyone around me. like Leonard Cohen says, "Like a beast with his horn, i have torn everyone who reached out for me". (Bird on the Wire)
I used to have an avatar and got scared for some reason...will prob put it back up someday when it all feels ok..
My moniker is chosen because of the song "Ceremony" by the band from the UK, New Order. They were once Joy Division, but with the passing of Ian (triggering), the 3 remaining members chose to start their own band with a 4th. They've evolved, but they're still around. Sometimes their an irritating bunch, but for me, the music is very important. I want to add, my favorite song is by New Order, and it's called "Temptation", not a title I would use for a moniker. Ceremony is confusing enough; am I celebrating something?? Nope, the song has the mood I find fits, and it makes me cry sometimes.
Joy Division wrote "Ceremony", but I take the one by New Order because it's the band that influences me.
Here's JD's, with Ian singing it:
I have to post New Order's version. No need to compare, they both mean a lot to me, with a preference for New Order:
My moniker is a twist on the Old English metaphor "Grist For The Mill."
It has a few variations of meaning such as "something used to one's profit or advantage, especially something seemingly unpromising" or "useful experience, material or knowledge."
One of my old bosses used to use it a lot. It sounds corny but I try to look at all my experiences - good and bad - as things that are ultimately going to better me in the long run, even if some seem to be senseless or brutal. In the working through of my own experiences and failures I have noticed over time less self-centeredness, more compassion, more forgiveness, more self-awareness, am better able to stand up for myself, am more concerned about justice, etc. That is ultimately valuable even if the way there has been rough and a path that I never would have chosen.
My avatar photo is of me when I was nine years old. I have a photo of me when I was seven or eight but the smile looks forced. I like this one because I’m smiling for real and being goofy. I like to remember me like this even though he was having a rough time beneath the surface.
Although I felt so alienated after my worst abuse when I was seven, I still had some fun boy left in me in this photo. I felt the alienation more in groups of boys I think than with a best friend.
I think this photo was taken just before the school playground incident that happened to me and my best friend. I think I would have had a forced smile after that.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one” C.S. Lewis My Story
I do not post a photo because I do not like looking at myself then. My name I know why I chose. I am sorry for what I did to my Dad who was survivor of sexual abuse like me. I only knew it after he died. I disowned him because of what happened in the family. Mama was not that stable we now know nor was her family who we were taught to worship. After Dad died I realized the mess Mama and her family made and I blamed Dad. I learned only then that he was survivor like me. My wife made sure my children knew him and the kids loved him. I did not know they would see or how he and his wife would sneak into the kids games or performances, sometimes in disguises. I am glad they knew him and I am sorry i did not know him. That is why I am sorryson. I will be sorry for the way i treated him for the rest of my life.
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed
Mine is my name, the pic is from 2nd grade and was my Communion pic. The pic was at a time just before the CSA, but so much of the chaos & turmoil in my young life had already begun. That's why there was no smile in it.
I have only a handful of pics of me as a kid. I never enjoyed seeing them when I was younger, I only saw the shame & the fear on me in them, that I felt everyone else could see in me back then. Now I like seeing them. I even made a file on my computer of just "Me", it has the pics from childhood all the way up to the present. So I guess that is a sign of progress
My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ; https://youtu.be/z4JAIE82NpU
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