I recently joined this website looking for some solutions to my problems, so here is my story. My family moved from NY to FL in 1970, and I was 6. Somehow I was almost immediately involved in getting naked with other kids in FL, and because of my s.a. I knew how to give a female oral sex. Some of the parents found out about us getting naked, and it came to a halt. At this time I pushed the memories of my s.a. down.
When I was 12, a fine 15 year old girl stayed with her grandparents down the street from me for the summer, and reportedly she had had an abortion. She and I spent a lot of time with making out. At about 13 some of my older friends had access to magazines of nude women, and some of the raunchier stuff. The guy’s younger brother, still 1 year older than I, experimented with some physical stuff but we both always wished it was with a girl and I was disenchanted. By 13 I was a regularly binge drinking and smoking pot regularly.
The most beautiful girl in school (a shared opinion) caught my eye at 15, and I lusted after her all year. That summer I was 16 and went to work for my brother-in-law (who dealt marijuana) doing carpentry, and he was telling me ALL about sex and was supplying me with booze and pot. One night I came home from working, stoned and drunk, and a friend asked me to come with him and keep his girlfriend’s friend busy. Bribed with beer I went. The beautiful girl from school was there, and after some weeks I lost my virginity. I still think of her daily. I had no sex after she moved away only months later. However, I would get stoned and masturbate several times per day. In college I slept with about 20 women drunk and/or high my freshman year, then some friends said I was a bit excessive and stopped being promiscuous. Being attractive, I got and get a lot of offers, confusing my issues.
At about 19 I began to have a nightmare that I now know was suppressed memories of molestation during infancy and toddler hood. Nearly always the same nightmare in which I am an infant, and somebody is masturbating me and crushing my testicles (At 41 I was found to be infertile and I require hormone replacement because of the damage to my testicles). Fast-forward…a lot of drugs and alcohol, marriage, medical school, 2 children, residency and private practice. I was in the top of my class all the way, and finished a 4 year residency in 3 years. I found myself in rehab in 2000, and my wife was divorcing me. Due to my beliefs, it was easy to be celibante (no sex or masturbation) for about 1 year until my wife was engaged to another man. I was broke, had lost my medical career, working construction, felt like human garbage, over-weight, and going to Alcoholics Anonymous (I did not believe I was an addict or an alcoholic). I began to date a “religious” woman, and reluctantly I gave in to sex with her. This was my first sober sexual experience since I had lost my virginity, and I had a lot of trouble climaxing, and now sober I still suffer from memories and inhibitions during sex. During sex I began to have weird memory flashbacks to when I was a toddler and at times I would collapse into a fetal position, crying and scared. Also, alone and watching TV or relaxing I would have a horrible physical sensation type of memory that a naked woman was rubbing against me. I stayed clean and sober for about 2 years, but the pain of these memories lead me back to drug and alcohol use. Trying to see professionals and work on my SA while using only made me feel worse. I re-entered rehab in 2005 and I have been clean and sober for over 2 years I have decided that the worst thing I can do is “use” or drink because I can’t heal from my s.a. if I am in a frame of mind that I can escape with drugs or alcohol. I feel better than ever, but still feel horrible about myself despite the fact that I could get my medical license back today, I am a good guitar player, song-writer, recording artist, most women tell me I am “gorgeous”, and loved and admired by my friends and family. Life doesn’t make sense to me! I know this is typical, but what are the answers?!!!
I have “women troubles”…I have never been in love with the woman that I married and I am divorcing, but she is beautiful, “trashy”, ignorant, uneducated, lies to me often, and has sex with me like she is possessed (get the picture?). She is entirely destructive to my life and my therapist says if I don’t get away I will end up dead. But, I believe that because I feel so poorly about myself that I can only enjoy sex with somebody I don’t like or respect. Similar to so many survivors of SA, we have a fear of hurting our partner during sex. I do hurt this woman with my penis, and I like that I do but it bothers me that I like it because I don’t feel it is healthy or helpful to my recovery. I have put myself in hiding hundreds of miles away from her, and she does not know where I am. I am afraid of her, and what it will mean for me if I don’t stay away from her, and those like her, for good. I am seeing a fairly attractive but very nice woman who has more sexual talent than anyone I have known, but I can not enjoy sex with her; masturbation while watching porn is better. I have always disassociated and detached while having sex with every woman but the one I am married to and I am hiding from now. Except for this woman I am hiding from, I can have sex for several hours and never orgasm but I stay hard…I really like women! I talk on my cell phone to my wife, and she continues to anger me but she wants to get back with me and she speaks of how horny she is for me. Being somewhat hypersexual and the way my wife makes me feel in bed, I am getting weak. Aside from my experiences with her, I have never had satisfactory sex. This is part due to the fact that I dissociate during sex except for with the woman I am hiding from. I would love to talk to her about it, but she does not communicate without fighting.
The other problem I have is that I dissociate during most of my days. Things I do while I am alone (like write this) make me feel present, but with another person I dissociate, even in any conversation. It has taken alot of therpy and support to accept the fact that I was abused, and denial still tries to creep back in. I know somebody here must have experience with overcoming the dissociation and confusion during sex,as well as other issues I have mentioned.
Thank You All, TR