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#988 - 04/24/04 04:03 AM Re: So D*** many triggers!
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

Now that you mention it, I need to get some stuff out, too. I get triggered by seeing my own kids having a better childhood than I had. Part of me feels it's just not fair (Another part knows intellectually, "Of course, life's not fair.") for them to have parents that want to know what they think and feel. And it's pretty damn unfair that for so many years I didn't even know that I wanted that, either. Not only my childhood, but years of my kids' childhoods are lost to me.

My wife told me about a friend of ours who tracked down a relative after many years. Immediately I started wondering where the sexual abuse would fit, how it would explain the time they spent apart. Songs on the radio are always about abuse, and don't get me started on the movies and tv.

That's enough for now. Thanks for letting me get that out.


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#989 - 04/25/04 07:10 AM Re: So D*** many triggers!
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
I had tears in my eyes when I read this, and am teary eyed now as I write this response. Damn, I just want to cry.

There are so many things that can trigger. So many that there is no way to avoid. You don't know if what you saw and did today won't trigger you tomorrow. When you first break open the shell that has been hiding your feelings all this time, they are tender and very sensitive. Like your eyes to light after you take off the eye patch for the first time in a month.

I can't tell you how many times I became angry at the television and radio and have stood right up and got into its 'face' and screamed at it. What a raving lunatic I am. Not really, but to a bystander it must seem that way.

A father play with his son puts a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. A smile for the son having what I didn't have, a tear for what I didn't have that he does. Boy, that's two conflicting emotions at the same time.

God Bless you,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#990 - 04/25/04 09:15 PM Re: So D*** many triggers!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I finish work at 4-00 pm every day, and I've been driving the same way home for 25 years now.
I pass by a primary school just as the kids are coming out and the parents are picking them up. The kids are proudly showing them the paintings and work they've done that day and always look excited and happy.
It still cracks me up every damned day, but I refuse to drive the alternative route because I just love to see them.

But I know the feeling all to well.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#991 - 04/25/04 09:19 PM Re: So D*** many triggers!
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
I'm guessing that I'm not the only one who gets a little ticked off when I see someone driving like a total and complete idiot with kids in the car. What makes it more annoying is that all you can do is give them space to do it.

On the other side of things, I try to give my best friends son as many of the things that I am able to that I didn't have as a kid.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#992 - 04/25/04 09:30 PM Re: So D*** many triggers!
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Marc I too miss what is every child's right. To be loved and nurtured and to laugh and cry and be immersed in family. Truthfully I longed for it for so long a time.

Then I realized something. I have been married for alomst 37 years and have a wonderful 23 year old daughter Tanya who has had everything I did not. I am wrapped in the warmth of my wife's family and in my own. I may have not had it as a child but I am getting it in spades now and have for many years. I just did not realize it.

Marc it will come to you believe me. Look at the post by Steve and the loss of Sue and the wonderful years they had together. The right person will come into your life and it will be your duty and desire to reach out and hang on.



#993 - 04/25/04 10:30 PM Re: So D*** many triggers!
JAAY Offline

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC

I know what is like to have a fuc_ed-up childhood. I have struggled with my self-esteem for what seems like forever. I have started to believe that I am entitled to a good, happy life. All the negative messages that my father gave me I am giving them right back to him. He was the sick one and that is his history. I tell myself that I deserve only good things because I am good. When I was a kid I knew he crazy but somehow forgot that and internalized that his negatives traits onto myself. I have mourned and cried and now I hope for each day to better and for my happiness to grow.

You do deserve to feel good about yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

Good luck!

#994 - 04/25/04 11:35 PM Re: So D*** many triggers!
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
My attitude has certainly changed in the past year ot two. I now see fathers and sons and it thrills me. I see my students holding hands and kissing and I am happy for them. I love hearing the laughs and giglges and excitement in small children. I have always loved children and been protective of them. But now, it just makes me happy to see the beauty in kids and folks in really good relationships.

For so many years I mourned my lost life. Now, I don't have a lot of life left so I enjoy all kinds of things.

It hurts like fury to see any of the members here hurting really badly. But, I also feel a sense of peace and a pride at the way we help each other, understand each other, and allow the whole range of emoitions.

We can't re-live our past to do it better this time. But we all have today, and I know that I can make most of my days hell or heaven. I am choosing heaven more often now. But I think that there is a very different view on things from a man in his late 60's and men in their 20,30 40 or even 50's.

Keep working hard--one day it will click and you will know that you are in the best place for you to be today. I have known that feeling, then lapsed and known it again. But it is always better when I am working towards the positive than when I am just letting life happen. I hope you guys can have lots of positive experiences--you have earned tons of them.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.


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