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#9577 - 06/27/05 09:21 PM Thank you
Maynard Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
I just wanted to thank everyone on this site for helping me build some trust. I didn't even realize how little I trusted people until I came here. I used to tell myself that I should have more faith in my fellow humans, but didn't quite grasp that I didn't have any trust in them.

Since I have been here the past couple of weeks I have learned that I haven't totally trusted anyone in my life. I now realize that everyone that I love, and have trusted, has hurt me. Not necassarily directly, although many have, but indirectly too. Sometimes I hurt because I am afraid of hurting those that I love by letting them in and telling them how I really feel. It is not that they would not understand me or have compassion for me. It is just what I would say will hurt them, and I would rather not, so I suffer alone.

Although I have been here only a short while, I have started to learn to trust again. You are all so kind and understanding that even when I am scared of posting or replying to a message I still do, because I know that you will all understand. The only major fear I have sometimes is that maybe someone will misunderstand what I am saying, or not, and I will cause them pain. That is the last thing in the world I ever want to do. As long as I can remember, since I was 3, my greatest fear has always been hurting others, although I have failed many times.

Anyways, I have noticed an improvement in my ability of trusting people outside this forum as well. I suppose it is not so much that I trust others more, I do have more faith in them though, it is more that I trust myself more to be able to get over the pain they might cause me. It is a very small step, but it is one that has already started to improve the quality of my life. So this posts is just to thank you all for being the compassionate beings you are.

Thank you,

_________________________
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

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#9578 - 06/27/05 09:57 PM Re: Thank you
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Maynard:

Trust is a huge issue with us all. Why?? Because our trust was badly abused. Trust takes a long time to build now and is broken more easily. I am glad that you have found MS a source of encouragement for you. It is important to remember that there will always be people who can betray that trust but from now on it will be viewed as merely a mistake on our part and not normal thing. We all make mistakes but that is all they are.

You said

Quote:
As long as I can remember, since I was 3, my greatest fear has always been hurting others, although I have failed many times.
Take another look at this statement. Do you think that maybe the SA had anything to do with those feelings. I know that in my case it played a major role.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#9579 - 06/28/05 01:41 AM Re: Thank you
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Maynard

Quote:
The only major fear I have sometimes is that maybe someone will misunderstand what I am saying, or not, and I will cause them pain.
That's a real fear, but it's one non-survivors have as well, it's just more intense for us.

If we go through life aware of not wanting to cause pain to others then we're doing OK, sometimes we make mistakes and misjudge someone or a situation, but if we don't do it deliberately then what else can we do?

Our abusers acted deliberately, they caused pain through deliberate actions, and that's different to what we do.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#9580 - 06/28/05 01:47 AM Re: Thank you
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Maynard, I remember deleting a post that caused you offence, and thank you for pointing it out to me.

Trust is of course a big issue with all of us here, but you are taking baby steps, and finding that you can trusting others on the outside of here.

This place has done that for many of the men here, and they have found that they are indeed worthy of being accepted in their own lives.

What a good feeling,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#9581 - 06/28/05 02:51 AM Re: Thank you
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Maynard - if we do post something here that unintentionally causes offence, we can apologise and attempt to explain what we meant to say. Sometimes when we are hyper-sensitive we can interpret written words very differently to what the author intends to say. Sometimes if someone is hyper-sensitive they might not actually post what they meant to say.

That's OK - we really do want to support everyone here.

Do not be frightened to post.

As I said we can apologise and put things right - how many of our abusers ever did that?

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#9582 - 06/28/05 09:04 PM Re: Thank you
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I'm glad you're experiencing trust even in a small way here. It's a scary thing to trust. None of us had good experiences with trust. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. We're all learning to trust. I've had good experiences here, too.

Please don't be afraid of sharing your hurt with us or with the people you love. Maybe they will hurt, too, but it's OK for them to hurt in that way. It actually bonds us closer together. And just like any experiment, you may be happy with the results. You may find a kind of concern and bonding that you didn't expect.

Thank you for being here, Maynard. It's nice to know you.

_________________________
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#9583 - 07/03/05 03:41 PM Re: Thank you
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Maynard,

Keep in mind to, that we all are different ages, different cultures, some different countries, different backgrounds, and we all have different triggers. I think it is impossible to be active here, writing and responding, without offending SOMEONE on the road! For sure, not without triggering someone. Heck, sometime I even trigger myself! ;\)

What it is, we all respect each other. But our own words are importent, and we should be able to speak them, civilised, yes, but uncensored in thought. Sometime that will offend. And as men, as adults (mostly, and the younger members here are quite mature), we can work through issues amicably.

You need not be afraid to post here. Yes, sometime something we say will be taken wrong. Or will be taken right and our opinion is just not liked! But truly, this forum, not only is it a site to rebuild our trust, to convert our negative thinking to positive, and how to interrelate with others in a productive manner. We can learn from instances here, and carry those lessons over to other things as well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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