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#9488 - 02/09/05 03:43 PM How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
I was talking with a Therapes after the VOTF {Voices of the Faithful} meeting tonight. She was telling me about one of her clients who is a 13yo boy abused at 11 years old. He was involved in a court case and his PERP is in jail so he is getting help but he refuses to talk about the abuse.

His case became publicly know in the town he lived in and the kids at school verbally abused him for two years. The principal of the school did nothing to stop it.

He will not talk about any thing and says he has dealt with the abuse.

What can we say to him to help him really deal with this now at the young age of 13?
I will cut and paste your words to him and give them to his T.


Dear Friend, Brother

You must know YOU are NOT ALONE.

I was sexually abused when I was 11 years old. I told on my PERP but they said my story was unbelievable.
My anger grew and grew and grew. I needed HELP but no one would give it to me.

That was back in 1961.

41 years later in 2002 I started to Talk and REALY deal with what was done to me. I now have the help I need.

Please talk about the abuse now when there is help for you.

Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#9489 - 02/09/05 07:30 PM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Dear Muldoon,

It seems to me that no one, especially a 13 year old is going to talk unless they want to.

Sounds like the kid has been through quite enough and could benefit from a break in all the activity surrounding his abuse.

We have all heard of how victims of abuse become victimized a second time around by the authorities. I would say, let's make sure this is not what is happening now.

Continue to give hime love, kindness and attention and someday he will be ready to talk more. But trying to force him or guilt him into in order to meet some court schedule or other expectation seems cruel and unfeeling.

Sometimes when we are trying to right a wrong, it is easty to forget the peron wronged--they are human beings, not just chess pieces to be moved about a board to pursue an aim.

Good luck with all of this. It sounds like a tough place to be.


"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#9490 - 02/09/05 09:14 PM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1798
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
The abuse is like a splinter, the quicker you get it out, the easier it is to heal.

If you leave it in it will get infected and will infect every aspect of your life. I think every one of us wishes they could have taken care of things when we are younger... you have that chance.

Muldoon, click my quote and print my survivor stories.

How many of us wish we could go back in time and lead the little us to safty and make things better? I know I do.

#9491 - 02/09/05 09:54 PM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1909
Loc: Northern Ohio
In my experience working with abused children, I seldom approached the abuse directly.

It appears, from what U have said, that in this kids' mind, he has gotten nothing but grief for talking about it. It looks to me like he may feel confidentiality has been broken. So, he can't trust anyone's promises.

One way to help this kid is thru Indirect Discussions. Meaning, u talk about the behaviors, thinking, actions, etc that you know can (or Is) be impacted by the abuse. You do this WithOut any direct discussion or the core issue.

This allows the child to have more control of information & how/when it is given.
It can help the kid feel he is not making himself more vulnerable, while still addressing issues, & processing.

Confidentiality & trust are keys for this kid who may feel betrayed on several fronts/people.

He needs time to FEEL & believe he is safe again.

Just a suggestion based on the limited info provided.


#9492 - 02/09/05 10:38 PM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
Jake_t2398 Offline

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131

#9493 - 02/09/05 11:00 PM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
Aden Offline

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Jake, in his passion, rises above the wise.

The kid owns his experience. No one else has any right to deprive him of it. No, not even in the name of help.

Allow the offer to stand and then stand back.

It may be time for you to open your soul, but it may not be his time.


#9494 - 02/09/05 11:11 PM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
justensmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/07/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Texas
My son is the same way right now. Not that anyone directly broke his trust, but he felt and feels that anytime he speaks of what he has gone through it upsets and causes so much anxiety, he has put up a wall. Our therapist says that in time we will be able to break down the wall and start to heal, this is all I look forward to everyday. With children it can be so hard, and if one person says that they don't believe them, it destroys them. Keep being there, and listen, because sometimes they talk about things differently than an adult, you have to read between the lines.

"The truth will set us free"

#9495 - 02/09/05 11:58 PM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
A lot of kids go the same way, maybe it is too embarrassing for him to tell anyone what was done.
The mental abuse of the bullies also tends to shut kids up.
Let him just tell when he wants, but never leave him to it, keep the offer open. As long as he knows he can contact a listener when he is ready, then I think, that is all that can be done.

I think we can all feel for the little guy right now, there are so many of them,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#9496 - 02/10/05 04:58 AM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
He needs time to FEEL & believe he is safe again.
Blacken, you make a lot of sense.
When he's ready, he'll talk.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#9497 - 02/10/05 05:31 AM Re: How do you get a 13yo victim to talk to a T
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Dear Muldoon, I would hope that the therapists would know how to proceed. I can't help thinking though, that when I was his age, I was still hoping for that one kind man to come along and rescue me and love me. Maybe he doesn't need to talk right now. Maybe what he needs is to trust. I can't imagine being that age and having to talk about how someone abused me. The embarrassment would be unbelievably painful. I think kindness...but not overly kind...not sorry because you were hurt kindess...but genuine kindness and friendship and the quiet understanding of one who has been there, for as long as he needs it, and when he's ready, he'll talk about it. But it has to be on his terms and in his time frame.

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

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