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#9043 - 06/26/05 09:38 AM Choosing happiness
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I am thinking perhaps this will be something people will view, and say 'oh no, he is posting his thoughts again' and then go running quickly away! But I have not been here for little while, and so at least it is not I force my thinking on you all so much.

I leave here for a short time. Yes, it was part because of the situation in recent weeks, of a member here that many felt did not belong here. I felt that also, and left for some time partly because of it. That was my choice, not something this other person 'force' me into, or this board 'force' me into. It was a situation that make me uncomfortble some, but not the only one.

I was finding myself trying to find again my happiness. I think I am suppose to be a happy person. I do not make a good sad person. I do not at all make a good angry person. I have about a week of feeling great crazy anger, and it annoy me so much as anyone around me. I said things I did not mean, and hurt few people close with me, because I did not think before I speak at all, I just hurt and speak. That was quite stupid. But I do not feel that no more. I do not say I do not feel anger no more, that is not true. I feel it tonight. At myself. Because another person, how they think, what they think, it bother me. And what right do I have to judge what they think or feel? Maybe I think what they are saying is stupid. Do I have the right to feel that way? I do not think so. I felt upset by what this person was saying, and I felt not effective to help this person, which was more upset to me. But my anger, it was at myself, because I ALLOW this person to upset me. I allowed my reaction, my emotions, to go to upset. That is not this other person's fault at all, it is mine. So I felt stupid, and betrayed by my own emotions and thoughts.

But truly? I like to be happy. I know that is not something so profound! I know that most people like to be happy. It just seem that some like it, but are not willing to work to it. And it is not something always easy, to work to be happy and hold it. For few weeks, I would be happy when I come here, then would not be when I leave. Not fault of anyone here. But it is often quite dark and painful here, and no one wishes to see people they come to know and care of in pain. I would feel it also, with the person who is posting. It is not my pain, but I would somehow think if I can feel some of it FOR the person, I can lift their burden? It do not so much happen that way. All I was doing was upsetting myself with things out of my control. Malidin, I can not control how you feel. Soccerkid, I can not make you have happiness. Ste, I have no reach out to your heart and soul. Leosha, my good friend, I can not 'fix' anything within you that brings you hurt.

I can be a friend of any of these people, anyone here. (I just use those names because they were right at front of my head, not to say nothing 'deeper' about those people!) But what is best? I think I read this from Nelson Mandela, but I am not sure he is first who say it. Something of 'By allowing your own light to shine, you give permission to others to not hide their own'. Something as that. You guide by example. My parents, there are many things I learned from them without them ever speaking the words to me. Some are lesser importent things, like to pay all your bills as soon as they arrive, and to not buy something you cannot right then afford. Some are more importent, like of how to treat all persons with decency and dignity unless they show themself as not deserving it. I have at times forgotten that very basic thing, and I regret it when I do, because that is not of what my character is meant to be.

I choose happiness. I choose to be at comfort with myself and my character, and to not act against it. And I choose to be a survivor of the past, not a victim remaining in it. It takes no courage to remain a victim. I think it perhaps takes more energy to be miserable sometime though! I am not so in love with my pain of the past to wish to maintain it. There is of course things still I must learn and deal with and heal from. But I am an active person in the process, not the passive victim.

I choose happiness. Do we know what beauty, what happiness is surrounding us always? You can live in a very dark, ugly place, and still have brightness and wonderment around you. I coach small children, five, six and seven years old, and see how bright their eyes are, how they always are moving. Adults, we do not do that. We think it is more mature to be 'focused'. It is not more mature. It is to miss out on some very importent and special things.

I watch my cat. She is quite happy and excited playing with a piece of aluminum foil. The cattoy, not so exciting. Perhaps part of why we do not so often find our happiness is that we expect it wrapped up fancy, in great expense, instead of the free silly things? I am not sure, it just seem to me it is much harder for adults to be happy then children. Perhaps it is more responsibility we have. Perhaps it is more experiences we have had. Perhaps we fear appearing silly and simple. But I like simple.

I spend some years doing something I do not like to do. Not then anyway. I do the same thing now, and it is wonderful feeling, I love it, I am happy with it. I have found again my happiness, and I realize, everthing that is dirtied by the past, it can be clean again. Everthing that is broken from the past, it can be fix again. Everthing that is bad of the past, we CAN make it good again. Is it fair that we have to? No. But life is not about fair. We can spend our time on earth regretting that it is not fair to us, or to someone else. Or we can spend our time living in spite of what is unfair. I want to live. I want to keep my happiness. I want to share it with people I care very much of.

I am sorry if you can not be happy right now. But I hope sometime soon, you can find it and choose it yourself also. And keep it. And work to it. But for right now, I am mostly happy. I am mostly ok with myself and my life. I will share with you.


#9044 - 06/26/05 01:06 PM Re: Choosing happiness
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida

I think that happiness is a very relative term. I think that many people mistake 'playfulness' and 'excitement' with hapiness.

In my lifetime, I have only met two people who I felt were truly happy. They both just sort of went through life with a sense of peace and calm that I find difficult to put my finger on. The only thing I can to is describe them - they had a very even-keeled temperment - very soft spoken - never an unkind word - seemed to get joy out of almost everything in life. I am so jealous of those people because life is a struggle for me.

I have fleeting moments of laughter and even fewer moments of elation. And somehow I see that most people around me (such as in the workplace) are in the same space. There IS one teacher who always has a smile on her face and very little seems to bother her. I asked her one morning,"What's your secret?"

She said that a few years ago she had attended an Anthony Robbins weekend seminar. At the end, they had done a firewalk. She was completey amazed that she walked over 1,000 degree coals and didn't get one burn. She said that she learned that everything we feel and do is totally dependent on our perception of life. If we perceive life as full of problems and sorrow, that's the way we will live it.

She said that she decided after that weekend that there are things in life that she cannot control, but she has the power to focus on what she CAN do and chooses to work on that.

I don't know if I make sense here


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

#9045 - 06/26/05 03:48 PM Re: Choosing happiness
CrazyRob Offline

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 24
Loc: Miami, FL
Yes, I posted something similar to this in an earlier post, just thought I would share it again...

Reality is how you perceive it to be. If you don't like your reality, change the way you perceive it. You do that by changing the way you think about it. You do that by changing the words in the sentences that run through your head and by analyzing your emotions and their sources. By doing this, you take the power from events and emotions and place it squarely in your control.

Tell yourself the truth long enough, and eventually you will believe it.

For me it is that simple, yet not at all easy.
You are right, both of you. It is a simple matter of choice. It is to say to yourself "Today, I will be happy"

"When the fight begins within himself, a man is worth something."


#9046 - 06/26/05 10:19 PM Re: Choosing happiness
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
AK - I agree about the brightness and wonderment that is all around us.

My job is very busy and can be stressful (there should be three Supervisors carrying out my role, yet I am currently the only one). I still go into negative mode now and then, although I am in the process of taking my abuser to court.

This afternoon, I drove out into the countryside (took a litre of water and the Sunday Newspapers to read).

I sat for 90 minutes just reading & listening to the sounds of nature. In all that time, not one car passed by. All that I could hear was the bees collecting nectar from the clover at my feet. I also watched bees systematically entering each flower of a foxglove nearby. I saw pheasants, rabbits and a hare among other wild life. It was so relaxing that I kept loosing track of what I was reading. It was a good feeling.

There is an old stable block for sale (with planning permission for conversion to a dwelling) very near to where I was sitting. Now I have dreams.

This was a very relaxing afternoon & all it cost me was about 1 of petrol and the bottle of water.

Best wishes ..Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#9047 - 06/26/05 11:11 PM Re: Choosing happiness
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire

You do that by changing the words in the sentences that run through your head
Rob's method works, as shown by Rik who settled for making an effort to enjoy a beautiful summer day in the English countryside. Which, as SophiesDad points out -

I think that many people mistake 'playfulness' and 'excitement' with hapiness.
Doesn't need the intervention of theme parks, game-boys or even other people.
Which is a simple pleasure like Andrei enjoys, watching his cat playing with a ball of foil.

There's a great deal of 'contentment' to be had from simple pleasures.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#9048 - 06/27/05 02:48 PM Re: Choosing happiness
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Andrei what a truly great post. We can choose to be happy or unhappy. In spite of what has happened to us. It takes a lot of effort to be unhappy and the old saying that misery loves company is so true. Happy people attract other happy people as well as those who sit on the fence between the two extremes.

What YOU have found is happinesss within yourself and that you can now express those feelings in a way that makes living a whole lot better.

I can think of nothing that can replace happiness. Cherish it.



#9049 - 06/27/05 03:27 PM Re: Choosing happiness
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6848
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Andrei, you make me feel happy by just posting this stuff.

When I was your age, I often thought about why I dont really show anger and hurt, when deep down there was tons of it.

I remember also of being a child who thought about which way to turn, but I chose to show that he can be a happy kid who makes people feel good.

People always liked that, even if I masked all the sadness and hurt.

Nobody has a right to make you want to feel angry or hurt, if they do it to me, then I just ignore everything that they do.

Happy people are always liked in the World, and so much more than sad and angry people.

I, like you, never borrow for things I cannot afford, and it does not cost so much to be happy.
Like the child who plays with the box that the toy came in, rather than the toy.

I saw the video of your skating. YOU have the ability to become No 1 at this sport.
It is good that you can focus and hone your mind to do this stuff.

Thanks for making me feel happy,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#9050 - 06/28/05 06:25 PM Re: Choosing happiness
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I have to admit that I almost didn't read your post. I've heard so much of "Just be happy" in my life. My first reaction is, If I could do that, I would have done that 30 years ago. But then I read it and saw what you meant.
We can spend our time living in spite of what is unfair.
I agree with that very much. Even though we may not be happy all the time, we do have the choice to do this work or not. The reason I keep coming back to therapy and the little child inside me is because I will not let what is unfair win. I will have a life surrounded by people whom I love and care about and who feel the same for me. I will cut ties with my toxic family if that's what will help me to be happy.

I think the choice we have is not whether to be happy or not happy, but it's the choice of whether to do what we need to do in order to gain happiness or not. In other words, it's not like sitting in a chair and flipping on the Happy switch. It's making the phone call, writing the post, making the therapy appointment, reaching out to the people who care that we're alive. It's taking the step towards happiness instead of waiting for it to drop by.

I hope all of us find hapiness.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#9051 - 07/03/05 12:01 PM Re: Choosing happiness
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I agree. It is not something we can just turn on or turn off. But we can seek it out. We have choices, of whether we seek happiness and what is good for us, or if we seek what seems like the easier choice, what seems to take less energy and work for us, and remain miserable. Who will find us worth the work and effort if we ourselves do not?

I think some people do have more propensity to be optimistic then others, and I do not know if that is by DNA or their environment they grow up in. But I do know that it is not always so easy for you, who makes it look easier to some of us. So I thank you for working at it, and showing me it is worth the effort.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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