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#8871 - 10/08/01 06:54 PM me in my usual mood.

Pissed off?

When I think about all the things I ain't doing right now I get pissed off.
When I think about all the things I am doing now I get pissed off.
When I think about all the things that have happened I get pissed off.
When I think about all the things that I would like myself to be I get pissed off.
I'm generally pissed off all the time.
I just got done visiting a site about famous swimmers.
I wanted to be in that site.
I guess I'm not anymore.
I'm such a looser.
oh god.
I just wanted to be happy.
I suck.
It's so hard when you feel so much inside of you that wants to come back but you can't it's like this feeling of suffocating. Like someone has a tight hold around your neck and will always give you just enough air to breath but not to die. I am living aimlessly. Everyday that goes by is a day I lose a little more of myself.
It's hard to cry now. It's doesn't work anymore like when you were a little kid. I guess I stopped crying when noone was there to listen. When I sat in that jail cell and thought about why god had put me there I had lost all emotions. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go about living when everything is against me. Do any of you have any idea? Have any of you ever been in jail for molesting someone you didn't molest and have been molested yourself by strangers. I have no good living here. what's my purpose. Here I am crying like a little bitch again. but I'll still get up tomorrow. I'll still do my morning swim then throw on my work clothes and talk to people all day . I'll still where that smile on my face and act like everything is ok when its not. and you know something...noone cares. noone understands. noone has the time to help someone as pathetic as me. I can't wait to go home though. I got my herbal therapy there. It makes the pain stop. It gives me rest. It allows me to be the swimmer I wanted to be. Even if it is all in my mind. In the real world i can help everyone but myself. *crying*

#8872 - 10/08/01 11:26 PM Re: me in my usual mood.
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Originally posted by auggie:
what's my purpose. Here I am crying like a little bitch again. but I'll still get up tomorrow.

The aimlessness is a part of the grieving process, I think. By "still getting up" you're going through the motions of your routines. Routines hold us up, when nothing else does. But it sounds like you're feeling the emptiness of those routines. I hope that are able to find your purpose. Be true to yourself, and I think that purpose will reveal itself to you. People with purpose are few and far between, just like the number of truly authentic people (coincidence??).

And since you said that you had "lost all your emotions" I think that it's really significant that you are crying now. Yeah, a long crying jag really leaves me feeling like shit, and I'm emotionally drained for the rest of the day, and that makes me feel even more like shit... But have you noticed a feeling of... relief when it's over (when you're in that post-cry exhaustion phase)? The pressure built up inside is just a little less now. It might not be noticable, since it was so high to start, but that emotion has been released to the ether. It's like a steam pressure valve, that keeps a boiler from blowing up. Yeah, we're taught that crying is only for sissies and little girls (I assume that's where the "little bitch" comment came from... unless you're just a fan of "BaseKetball"), but I believe that it's also going to help keep you in one piece.

and act like everything is ok when its not. and you know something...noone cares. noone understands. noone has the time to help someone as pathetic as me.

Just call me No One, then (but I think that name was taken by someone else on this forum). It's probably true that the only people that REALLY understand shit like this, are people who have been THROUGH shit like this. And we tend to hide, believing ourselves alone (until God/Fate/Providence steps in, and guides us here to NOMSV). But you are here now, so I hope that you don't feel quite so alone. Check out that number in the top right corner of the main Forum page. Our club is over 500 strong.


((((hugs Auggie))))

OK, enough of the heavy shit... What events or strokes do you swim? I swam waaaayyyy back in high school, and I'm terribly out of shape now, but swimming became my salvation during the Self Esteem Crushing years of Adolescence. I gave it up when I got to college, and realized that a whole new level of skill was required. But I can still watch a swim meet, and remain interested, despite the fact that swimming is NOT a spectator sport.

Take care, man. It was good to hear from you, and for you to express what's going on in your life!

We're in this together.


We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#8873 - 10/09/01 12:32 AM Re: me in my usual mood.
fmighell Offline

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Oh my God, have you heard about my life?
You must have, man, is that a kick or what.
Well except now I only cry at my mental health appointments with my psychologist,
just a different place in controling of my emotions letting myself, let go of the controls and after words I feel guilt or shame: a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace. She is helping me to understand my sense of feelings so I can help myself.
fmighell anc ak

#8874 - 10/09/01 10:31 AM Re: me in my usual mood.

sorry bout that. I was pretty pissed off yesterday. I had my morning cup of double strenght coffee so I'm all good now. =-) I didn't go swimming this morning though. I was too tired. I'm sorry i know i sound like a real crybaby. I shouldn't worry you guys with my probs. im sorry. I promise to be stronger. I don't know why i keep comming back. I get so much feedback from this site but its hurts soo bad at the same time. It's like I know Im gonna get sad but I come anyways. I wish i could just be normal. (whatever the hell that means right?) i wanna be straight i guess. is that selfish??

oh ya j,
I swim everything. i started up swimming after I quit smoking cigs. I started smoking the end of my senior year in high school. I actually would finish my swim then go with these two chicks i knew and i would buy them cigs at the gas station. healthy huh??

#8875 - 10/09/01 04:29 PM Re: me in my usual mood.
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Yo Auggie,

Don't sweat it, man.

Tears are a good thing. You're not a crybaby; you're a person who has gone through more pain already than most people will see in their entire lives. This isn't a skinned knee we're talking about here. There is a damn good reason for EVERY one of those confusing and fucked up feelings you have.

You don't need to "be strong" for us; if you feel that you need to do that for yourself, then do that. We only want what is best for you. In my experience, though, "being strong" when you're not strong, only leads to a bigger breakdown further down the road.

My best friend is grieving for her girlfriend that died back in April. Though she made some progress in returning to "normal" after about 4 months, I noticed that she was "frozen" on her issues. Since I had so many positive experiences here at NOMSV, I encouraged her to seek out an online support group for her own issues. She told me that the first time she went was too much for her, and she bailed within the first 4 posts. I didn't pressure her to go back, but I did tell her that I had to get over an intitial emotional hump before I could actually begin the healing. When she chose to go back (after staying away for over a week), I just supported her decision, whatever it was. She's started visiting the site a lot more often, and now she's telling me how she's responded to other newcomers, and getting to help herself, as she helps others. I am so happy for her!

Never underestimate the importance of just sharing your feelings. It's not like you have to write a book of philosophy every time you come on (though it seems to help me...). You don't even have to post, if you don't feel up to it. There's no pressure. Take this as slow, or as fast as you want to go. This is your own healing, and there is no external clock that will tell you when the road is over. Pretty much, we're on this road for our lifetime. That doesn't mean that we'll never heal; it means that this will always be a part of our lives, even after we've healed from the worst of our wounds. It's a part of our past, and that can't be denied.

A good bit of advice that I've heard from others here is "Be gentle with yourself."

And on that note, "We're in this together."


PS I swam the Breaststroke, middle distance Freestyle, and the Individual Medley. I stunk at backstroke, but I more than made up for it with my Butterfly, Free, and of course Breast. All in all, I kicked ass in the Sierra League in 1992! Of course, now that I'm an old man of 27, these are merely my "glory days"...

We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#8876 - 10/09/01 06:30 PM Re: me in my usual mood.

thanks jeremy.=-)


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