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#8772 - 06/25/05 06:26 AM .
Soccer Kid Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 273
Loc: Missouri


_________________________
~Zach~
Deviant of Many Talents

"Reality is just an illusion."

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#8773 - 06/25/05 06:42 AM Re: .
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
i know what you're talking about. in school the teachers say i do well in my class and on what i do and to me its like "well, am i supposed to not being doing well?" when i skate and land something hard, like a flip ive been working on my friends are like "Hey, that was awesome!" and i just skate on. when girls say im cute, i get super shy. and when i play basketball and someone trips me or pushes me trying to get the ball and they says "Sorry, didn't mean, just got caught up in ths game". to me its like im just in the way you know? it might not be the same feeling but i understand it too.

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

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#8774 - 06/25/05 10:24 AM Re: .
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
I can relate Zack,

No need to apologize to me, I probably deserved it. No need to compliment to me, I don't deserve that. What a fine thing low self-esteem is. :rolleyes:

I was put up for an award by an Americans with Disabilities association. I told them to withdraw me from consideration. I didn't deserve that. Two years ago there was a very nice "Letter to the Editor" written about me. My response again was I don't deserve that, even told others that. Rather than taking pride in the fact that I do take pride in what I do. A good thing about myself that I didn't accept. A co-worker said that she liked my sense of modesty, it wasn't modesty it was shame of being acknowledge for something good. A friend of mine kept telling me I should take pride in the acculades given to me. I felt I didn't deserve any of it.

Over the years I have been on the cover of a nation magizine, been the feature of a newspaper article, been in the newspaper several times, on the tv news a bunch of tims and had one of my photographs as the rear cover of a national magazine. None of this I have copies or momentos of. I was ashamed of it, I didn't deserve it.

The most recent one is currently out, I did get a copy of it for a keepsake. I'm trying to hunt down copies of those magazines (without much success) and still need to order some back issues of newspapers that I do know the date of. I do deserve to keep those and be proud of them.

There is lots of good things about each and every one of us. We should be proud of them. It's a nice thing to be able to say "thank you" to a compliment and actually mean it rather than just saying it out of politeness.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#8775 - 06/25/05 06:30 PM Re: .
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 126
Loc: Dallas,TX
We have the same problem. We just want to be left alone in our own little world. Most of the time we hide and stay away. Don't want anyone around. Were not goood enough for complements, used to bein hurt and arn't worthy enough to be be friends; but that's just our opinion. -Jay


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#8776 - 06/25/05 10:09 PM Re: .
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
I don't take compliments well either. I'm a talented musician. But when I was growing up, I was the "trained monkey" for my parents - every time someone came over I was summoned out to perform for the guests. To this day I HATE when someone asks me at a party to play and/or sing.

For years I would get compliments on my musical talents. The words felt empty to me - they would sort of float in one ear and out the other. And, if anyone made a real fuss over me, I would want to crawl into some hole.

I don't like being the center of attention (though many people find that hard to believe). Female co-workers have often commented that they would kill to have a husband like me - I sit there and wonder WHY?

I grew up a fat child... I was skinny until about 8 years old which was when the abuse started. Then I blimped out until my junior year of high school when I joined Weight Watchers and lost 55 pounds. Before I got married I got REALLY thin (I'm 5'11") - I weighed 139 pounds and had a 29" waist. I STILL looked at myself in the mirror as fat (I think that they call it body dysmorphic disorder).

I don't accept help well either. All my life as a kid growing up, I had to do things for myself. I couldn't depend on anyone else. So as an adult, I almost NEVER ask for help. After one of the 3 back operations, I remember I couldn't go out and mow the lawn. Without asking, I was lying upstairs and I heard a lawnmower in my yard. I went to the window to find my next-door neighbor mowing my grass. I remember feeling guilty - I don't know why. My wife looked at me and said, "This is an opportunity for you to learn to accept the fact that people like you and want to do things to help. So, sit down and accept the gift of his time." BIG lesson there!

I would venture to say that all of these things have to do with the abuse. A lot of people have low self-esteem, but I think those of us who survived have it even worse. We were led to believe that we weren't worth anything other than to be used as a sex object. And (I can only speak for myself here) no matter how many compliments, accolades, degrees and awards we get, we still don't feel worthy.

I have a colleague who I believe was seriously sexually abused - he alluded to some things, but we've never sat down and discussed at length). The man has a BA in computer science, a BA in Elementary Education, an MS in psychology, is a certified Network Administrator from Microsoft and is still taking classes now working on a second Master's Degree. You would never know it to see the man - he's so unassuming, a people-pleaser, and doesn't take compliments well.

So, I don't think that you're that alone in how you feel.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#8777 - 06/26/05 09:03 AM Re: .
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
So hard to accept compliments.

I just finished a post graduate program, straight 4.0 grade all the way through. My professor wants to use my portfolio as an example for his next students, and he wants me to come and speak to the class. From student to guest lecturer, like that.

Do you think I can process and accept that? Nope.

All I can think about is that the advisor told me that I started out weakly, which she said to illustrate how far I had come. But to me, the words ring out as a stinging retribution.

Living in the moment, and seeing the beauty and love in the world is scary. It is scary because each survivor has had the beauty and love of the world used against him. It is okay to feel funny or nervous about stepping back in to feel that love and beauty.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#8778 - 06/26/05 09:21 AM Re: .
ShyBear Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South
Zach,

Thanks for bringing up this topic, because I think it has *everything* to do with being abused. My perp groomed me, paid attention to me when nobody else could or would, with compliments :

"You're such a nice kid, I don't know why everybody else is so mean to you."

"I like being around you, you make me laugh."

"You're so *smart* I bet you'll be president one day !"



With that kind of history, we've been trained to DIStrust any sort of compliment or gentle, harmless flattery. What I've had to do is CONCIOUSLY disengage my automatic emotional response and stay in the here-and-now, looking at who is offering the compliment and why. That, and learn to beleive that there really are people in the world who really do care about other people on general principle, without the sort of ulterior motives that we learned about at the hands of our abusers.


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