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#861 - 07/29/04 06:21 PM Hello!
Mr. Malaise Offline

Registered: 07/29/04
Posts: 22
Loc: New York
Hello Everyone,

I am very new here, I only discovered this site yesterday. But I already feel that I should be here.

I am a male survivor. My abuse occurred before I was 5 and my Grandmother was the molester. I remembered the abuse 10 years ago. I got in touch with a lot of anger then at her, the people she shared me with and my parents. I seemed to have lived in denial after that thinking I was better, but never feeling well. About a year and a half ago I started wondering why I never seem to make advances in life and realized that I spent a lot of time running around looking for approval from people. Whether real or imaginary, approval is what I need to bury pain. I'd switch jobs, girlfriends, residences every year or two to refresh my "cover"; my approval seeking energy. That is usually how long it takes for the imaginary approval to wear off and the pain to start. The approval seeking never changed my core, it only buried it. I didn't realize any of this until I sat quietly and realized what I was doing.

I was able to tear down my "cover" and found tremendous shame, fear and pain. Pain I can't even define. More memories flooded back and alot of emotion was released. But pain, shame and fear still linger. I read something yesterday that summed it up very well, it read "AND IT HURTS!"

My Grandmother seduced me into performing with her. She pretended to be "lovey-dovey" so I would comply. She new I didn't get attention at home and I was the only boy on my Mothers side of a family of women. As the abuse continued I became less compliant and "Grandma" told me she would kill me and send me to hell if I told or didn't do what she said. She even tipped me out of a 20' high window because I didn't listen to her. I landed in snow and was physically unhurt, but if I died I'm sure she would have had a good story. She would chase me around her apartment with a knife, hole my head under the water, I knew she would kill me. She shared me with two men, one my Grandfather on my Father's side and another a Priest. I told my Mother about the Priest the day it happened (That's how bad that experience was)and she told me I would forget by the time I was big. Even though I fought her, kicking and yelling, my Mother took me back to my Grandmother's house; my Mother finally saying that she just didn't believe me. My Mother was her Mother's keeper. One time my Grandmother even got her to participate.

Today I feel the affects. Which is why I am here. I look forward to getting involved, becoming a member and being around, communicating with men who understand. I want to live! It just hasn't been that easy.


#862 - 07/29/04 06:54 PM Re: Hello!
Ivo Offline

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hello Jon,
please feel most welcomed here. I am sorry that you needed to find place like this.
You can always be sure that you will have support here from other survivors.


#863 - 07/29/04 07:02 PM Re: Hello!
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jon welcome to the group

sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us, we are all here to find the answers and to find "ourselves" I am on the road to recovery, only after being in here.

take care


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#864 - 07/30/04 12:29 AM Re: Hello!
FlyWM Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Hello Jon,

As the traditional welcome goes, I'm sorry you need this place, but I'm glad you have found it. It can be a great source of support and understanding.

I understand your approval seeking, whether real approval, or 'imaginary,' I always look for approval, though I rarely really find it, or at least it is rare I find any real approval. Moving from place to place and from job to job, and from girlfriend to girlfrioend, in a way only ensures chaos, and chaos is something we were all forced to get used to, and maybe in an odd sense you are trying to keep that chaos going. I know I got so used to people hurting me, I seek out, in a twisted way, people who will hurt me, because that is what I am used to. So maybe that is part of why you change things up so much, you are just used to a form of chaos. Or I could be totally off base, either way that is my nickle 'shrinking' for the day.

Being abused by a woman can be extra difficult to deal with, but you can deal with it and move past it. You are strong enough to survive it, and you are strong enough to keep going through it all no matter how difficult it may get, and it will be difficult, but also will be well worth it.

Keep going, and again welcome to this site, and it is a pleasure to 'meet' you.


Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.


#867 - 07/30/04 03:08 AM Re: Hello!
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Hi Jon Glad you found this place and I know that you will find much help and healing here at male survivors. Tom

Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#868 - 07/30/04 03:24 AM Re: Hello!
lost_in_thought Offline

Registered: 06/18/04
Posts: 97
Loc: Florida
hi jon, welcome, i hope you find this place helpful

The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. - Hunter S. Thompson (July 18, 1937 - February 20, 2005)

#869 - 07/30/04 04:29 AM Re: Hello!
yesac76 Offline

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
Welcome to the family. We are here when you need us. Do not be afraid to ask for help!

"You live it or lie it" Metallica

#870 - 07/30/04 08:20 AM Re: Hello!
Howster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/04
Posts: 28
Good for you for being able to talk about that stuff, Jon! Mothers, and Grandmothers, are able to get away with a lot - being in sacred positions in society. It's not easy to broach the subject when it was your primary caretaker(s) that were the perpetrators.

#871 - 07/30/04 08:58 AM Re: Hello!
Malidin41 Offline

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 140
Loc: Utah
Hello and welcome my friend, I am sorry that you had to endure such pain as a child but I am glad you found this board. I have not been apart of the board long eaither but in the time I have been hear I can tell you it is a very helpful place and the people are genuine. I hope you enjoy your time hear and I hope you can get all the help and support you need on this very tough journey. If you ever need to talk pm me anytime. Your friend malidin.

Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!

#872 - 07/30/04 01:43 PM Re: Hello!
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Welcome Jon! This is the place to come for help. No one here judges you, and most important, they understand you. You don't have to feel ashamed anymore. I look forward to seeing you in the chatroom one night or thru the posted messages.

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