Bobby, thanks for being so honest and open in your posts, it is hard, if it makes things easier for you, it is so hard for me sometimes to post.
Every time I start to write, however, there is a screaming coming from the back of my head (told you I was weird). That always happens when something is bubbling and brewing in there and it always needs to come out and show itself, and is usually very enlightening.
You are not weird, it is good that you can get this stuff out and share. The screaming in your head is a natural way of reliving anger, and purging it. Maybe this is why it is enlightening.
You know I'm either addicted, or close, to porn, so what is there? Why do I run there? Why do I want to run there? Is it comforting in some way?
I was abused as a preteen, it meant that I would act out sexually without realising it, I think it fires something off in your head, that you just need porn as a constant companion. I download loads of porn, but the odd thing is, I hardly ever watch it, so I guess it is an addiction.
Don't really know why!
I always look for the same thing...the thng that I think was done to me during the time of my abuse.
This is only my view, but I do the same thing, I looked for porn to go back and relive what I went through and maybe just to realise I wasn't alone, strange but true, you only believe it when you see it with adult eyes, not the child eyes that denied it from his thoughts so long ago.
As adults, it is hard to know why we were so affected, so we have to somehow relive it, and let it fit our response and see why the child was so affected, as our minds' deny over time.
You maybe have to rationalise it by visiting it again, I did.
I remember thinking I was the only kid in the World who was going through this mental hell, who never thought he could survive in a World full of kids who seemed so happy.
I learned to look happy after studying these kids, as a kid, they taught me loads, they taught me how to mask out the silence.
Bobby, you are no different than anyone here, the courage of your inner child fought more wars than most of the strongest men who defend countries, believe it. For all his self perceived faults, they were never his, they were the work of another, and how his life evolved.
We call ourselves survivors, but is it really surviveable, I hope so, to get this far takes so much courage. Courage most men could only ever dream of.
You survived. I hope this helps,