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#8342 - 09/27/02 11:51 PM help me
sarahsmilezz Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/27/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Arkansas
I know Im a female, but I am desperate. I just found out my companion of three years was raped as a child. I dont know how to deal with this. I was wondering if maybe some of you guys could give me some advice on how I should handle this. I am such at a loss for words because it hurts me, I have no idea how to address it or even if I should. Maybe like some advice on what kind of support you would like or expect from a significant other. Thank you. I appreciate it

#8343 - 09/28/02 02:00 AM Re: help me
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
You're asking the questions so many others have unfortunately had to ask, it's sad that you have to.

But your partners just done the hardest thing he'll ever be likely to do, he's broken the secret and told you.

It might not seem like it but he's probably overcome with relief - and confusion.
The roller coaster starts here.

Try to get him to see a good therapist, ask what experience they have with abuse victims and survivors. It's important that they know how to deal with our particular problems, because we've got them !!

Most of us have tried the do it ourself approach and it's not a great success, although it's what's got us to the stage when we realised we needed proper help.

Read what's on this site, there's some great stuff on the friends and family forum, and some good partners there for support.
You're both going to need it.

There's some excellent books on the recovery process, my particular favourite is Mike Lew's Victims No Longer, a remarkable book with good advice for both of you. It's available through Amazon for about $20, worth every cent.
Look on the books forum, and the home page, for other good stuff.

And as for what kind of support to give ? we need lots, sorry but we do. Knowing that someone is there helping us along, someone still cares and hasn't rejected us for what was done to us, and cares enough to want to see a survivor at their side instead of the empty shell we are as victims, that's the kind of support we need.

It's tough going, and if anyone tells you it's easy don't believe it. So take care of yourself as well, you can't recover for him. But he can with you.

Be strong

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#8344 - 09/28/02 04:34 AM Re: help me
Ron_dup1 Offline

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
I sent you a private message - you can get it by clicking on the "my profile" link at the top of the page.

I would like to just warn you that often your boyfriend is going to need physical space. You will see him hurting and naturally want to hug and hold him and sometimes that will be great and others it will be the trigger for some intense flashbacks. Ask him what he needs and respect WHATEVER he says even if you don't understand it. If you push too hard or try to "fix" him you will most likely push him away. At least that is what I have done in the past - run as far away as fast as I could when my girlfriend decided SHE knew what I wanted more than listening to what I told her I needed.
After saying all that I want to say we are all different and my responses and experiences may not be the same as your boyfriend's but I hope what I have said here is helpful in some way.

#8345 - 09/28/02 05:36 AM Re: help me
angry Offline

Registered: 08/13/02
Posts: 23
Patience and love is the key. Its a slow recovery process. If you read as much as you can on this web site you will understand him and what he needs. Also the book Betrayed as Boys helped me immesurably. It was written by the president of NOMSV Richard Gartner.


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