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#8333 - 02/06/05 08:04 AM Thoughts on othe thoughts
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I need to talk. No one said we couldn't talk when we needed to. This is my third post today, maybe fourth, but no one said there were limits on posts in one day. I feel guilty, but what the heck?

This has been one of the worst ever...worst. I was writing a post and suddenly out of nowhere comes my kid and he has to talk. It was the strangest feeling. I knew I had triggered him and that he was coming through. It's terrible when something that you don't really think you believe in happens to you. Not believing becomes very difficult, and at the same time, you think you've lost it completely. But the kid was adamant.

He remembered....for me. He wanted me to know. He wanted me to see. He wanted me to feel. And so he showed me. One of the worst parts of the whole thing and one of the worst parts of this whole SA thing (although naming a worst part is a bit like deciding which bee from the swarm stung you the hardest) for me has been knowing in some way that SA was a fact of life for my child. It was just something that happened like eating or drinking. During the experience I had today, the kid wasn't afraid...he expected what was going to happen. As his father came into the room he got up on his hands and knees so that his father would have access to him. That is one of the worst realizations for me. He got into a position he knew he was supposed to be in. I can't even comprehend what that must be like. Well, yes I can. He let me feel that today. But he didn't even think about it. It was simply going to happen.

I don't know why the feelings seldom go any further for me into the action after the initial phase, if that's what you call it. I am penetrated and then I remember nothing more. Surely there was some movement...some sexual manipulation of some kind. I don't think he just sat there with his hand...... But, so far, I haven't seen or felt anything like that. After the initial penetration, everything just stops...except the depression.

But it's not really a depression. I've been depressed. There is something there in depression. There is not just nothingness. Maybe I've never been depressed enough to understand. This child is feeling nothing. This child is void of emotion. This child is a limp rag. While all of this is going on, his body does not exist. His thoughts do not exist. He has flipped a switch and does not think or feel.

And yet he knows. I don't know how to put it exactly. When I say he doesn't feel...well, he does. He feels the sensations, but somehow they don't register like sensations usually do. They are in a class all by themselves...sort of a non-sensation sensation.

Wow! Explaining that to you just now seems to have been what I needed to do. Before I did that, in my last post, I was full of anguish and didn't know what to do with it. Now I sort of understand and can deal with it.

Do you ever get that anguish thing? Do you ever feel like something...something horrible...something very significant, needs to push out of your brain, needs to be seen in the light, so to speak? It simply has to come out of there. And yet it doesn't. You can't quite get a read on it. You can't reach in and pull it out. But you know that, if you could, there would be an answer there.

That's the way I was tonight. And when I get that way, the loneliness hits hard, because you can't explain that to anyone...sometimes not even to yourself. You just have to sit in frustration and try to get to it in some way. The anxiety is terrible. That's when I wish for one of you to be here, so I can just say that and have someone I won't feel so alone and so desperate.

I wrote that horrible post earlier this afternoon. It truly was an amazing thing to me, and very hard on me at the same time, and I rushed home to see if anyone had posted anything. One friend had, but that was all. I felt betrayed in a way. Where were you? Why were you letting me hurt all alone? I needed to know you were there.

Of course, I know it was irrational thinking, but there it was. So I wrote strange things about my anguish, etc. It was a way of coping for me, because I knew it was silly to wonder where you were. Not everyone is like me and spends so much time here, and no one owes me anything...anything at all.

But, really, where were you? I was hurting so very, very badly, and no one was here. Bobby

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#8334 - 02/06/05 11:03 PM Re: Thoughts on othe thoughts
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Bobby - I believe that our minds blank things out to protect us from going into total burn out. I don't know how it's really been for others in the healing phase, but I find that my mind seems to just let me process what I can handle - maybe it's something that I've learned to do.

It seems that each step I have taken, has been followed by a zoning out period where my subconscious self has taken over. It takes a few days of calmness before the next question seems to pop up in my head. Now it's not as bad as when I first started dealing with this properly - I've got most of the answers & now have a potential court case to deal with & I hopefully that will give me the remaining answers.

Take recovery at your own pace - we cannot receive all of the answers as quickly as we would like. You are doing good work though dealing with this & it takes courage to post as you have here.

Best wishes ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#8335 - 02/07/05 12:41 AM Re: Thoughts on othe thoughts
FlyWM Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Anguish, one hell of a word we all know too well. Lonliness we all know very well too, so few people can even come close to comprehending this all. Anyway, what Rick says is true, our minds only let us see/feel things that we are strong enough to handle at the moment no matter how much we may want pull more into the light. Sure more happened, but don't try to rush things, let them come on their own time, otherwise you may burn yourself out, I have burned myself out more than a few times, so I'm speaking from experience.

We are all here, I know it may not seem like it all the time, we may be slow in responding sometimes, but we are here, whether we respond or not, we are here standing side by side with you, and we understand.


Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.



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