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#8270 - 09/30/02 06:44 PM Re: Nearly acted out...
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I do understand, JM, oddly enough. Acceptance of the tool of destruction, as it were, is not easy. Or, other terms for it - knob, twig and berries, one eyed trouser trout, purple helmeted soldier, 'the one who must be obeyed.' I make fun right now to try to be comfortable with the subject. I believe we share a common dislike for our manhood, or a distrust of it. A healthy attitude towards my penis would undoubtedly serve me well. I thank you for the insight.

And let the darkness fear our light.

#8271 - 09/30/02 07:06 PM Re: Nearly acted out...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I think I agree with you, a lot our acting out is probably triggered by the normal urge of feeling horny working with - or against - the confused thinking we have about sex / sexuality that results from our abuse.
Throw in the normal everyday stuff that Cement describes, enormous work pressure and kids parties, and it's overload. It was for me anyway. And it sent me retreating into my comfort zone of fantasy, the one that eventually became a nightmare reality.
But my fantasies relieved me of all worry and responsibility. They took me to a world where I was the lottery winner driving my Ferrari to my country residence. Or I was in a position where I had to argue and fight my way out of a situation with nothing more than my "superior intellect" ( duh !! ) and the fighting skills of Jackie Chan ( with a beer gut ? ) Not all my fantasies were about sex, but I do recognise now that they were about power. I was the powerful person in ALL of them, even if my fantasy was about giving total strangers blow jobs, it was MY choice !
And so often when we feel powerless in our daily lives fantasy can relieve us, but as SA victims I believe the fantasies take on a life of their own. We feel powerless at work so we retreat, you can't whip a herd of kids into line, so we retreat. At least this is how I behaved, every problem made me retreat into my fantasies until they took over completely. The traditional seat or symbol of power has for a long time been male and phallic, it's no wonder we're confused.
I'm not even going down the road of the womens movement and it's possible effect on us men ! far too complicated.

Eventually, not only was I believing the fantasies myself but I was telling some of them to other people. I had become a typical bullshitter who would have needed to be 300 years old to have been there - done that to the extent I had. I did keep some of the fantasies private though.....

Cement, I dont acknowledge any absolutes in my life anymore, at least as far as my recovery is concerned. It's a state of flux and what I do is right on the day. I try to only think about my victories - however small. I dont give a fuck about what I do wrong, or how much I fail. I don't spare it a thought anymore. I think instead about any scrap of success I have in that particular episode. If I stop halfway through a fantasy ( wherever that is ? ) I don't feel guilty about it starting, I haven't learnt to stop that yet - will I ever ?? I just try to feel good about stopping it. Guilt versus pride.

And if you stopped short of what you project would be a full acting out episode - then feel good about that. The more you force yourself to think that way the easier it becomes. Forget guilt - who needs it ? I do without most of the time now, don't miss it any I promise you.

Sing your own praises, why not ?
Be strong

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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