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#82386 - 02/06/04 10:14 PM
Too Old......(STRONG TRIGGERS!)
I had this mental flash when I was in therapy last night. It is graphic and will most definitely trigger anyone who is fragile. Please DO NOT read if you are easily triggered. I'm sorry, but I have to get this out.
Laying on my back, naked,
Like a newborn, but not one.
I'm 11, too old to be fussed with like this.
Cleaned like this.
You hover over me, wiping me, touching me,
Cleaning me all over.
Not because of something I did to myself,
But to hide what you've done to me.
Too close, you press against me as you
Keep wiping off what you left on me.
Saying the same old things that makes my
Soul shrivel, even as I hide my emotions.
"You enjoyed it, you bad boy. Doesn't it feel
Good? Yes, I know it does."
Your hand grasps, touches, strokes
And my body betrays me as I respond.
It does feel good, I think.
I am bad. Surely I deserve this.
"Too bad I've already cleaned you up,
my big, baby boy.
I'd love to suck you once again."
The sting of the Wet-Naps over the parts
You've hurt make me grateful.
Wet-Naps! That's the best you can do?
You hurt me when you've said you love me.
Does love feel like this?
Wiping me down like a damn baby.
I'm not a damn baby!
I'm 11! Too old to be helpless like this.
Too young for what you're doing to me.
Scream when your fingers enter me.
The other hand covers my mouth tight.
Feel your mouth suck on my shoulder.
"Quiet, you little bitch!
Remember what I've told you!?"
Yes, it does, if it's measured by you.
Every time, it ends like this.
You bringing me down to your disgusting level.
(I'll never be like you!)
Me reduced to a helpless infant.
(I'm not a baby!)
"Daddy will make you all better."
(You're not my fucking daddy!)
"What would your father say if he knew?"
(Probably would kick your fucking ass, pervert!)
Every time, every fucking time.
Even today, I cringe at the memory.
Knowing how small you made me feel.
I'm not small anymore, though.
Every infant grows up eventually.
And I'm going to learn how to talk
How to walk
And when I do, you Goddamn liar,
I'm going to scream out what you have done
And I'll walk away to leave you in the shame
You should be in, not me.
I'll clean myself off, thank you!
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies
#82387 - 02/07/04 12:52 AM
Re: Too Old......(STRONG TRIGGERS!)
Oh, God, I was in the same place that you were/are this afternoon.
You see, what this crap has done to us. You know, you wrote it, you lived it and you're my brother. We are all brothers here.
That's the saving grace of all of this. We have each other.
Do you remember when you thought that you were all alone?
For me it was most of my life, unless I live to be 130, then it will only be half of my life.
Next month, Scot, next month will be my first "birthday." My first year anniversary of knowing that I'm not that dirty child that I thought that I was.
I'm not the pervert, he is. It was not my/our fault, it was theirs.
And we now have this tree house, this fort...from here we can see further than we used to. We understand a little more. We have help from some pretty good bigger, older brothers who reach down to pull us up.
You do, you have done that for me. And you know what, you've done that for a lot of others here too.
Thanks for the poem; as rough as some of your stuff is to read, it never misses the mark.
Your brother in this struggle,
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."