Rick, this certainly shows you to still have a lot of heart. You don't even want to use the word hate.
Rick, I am deciding, more and more each day, to not let myself consider myself as being led, or cooperating at all. I did want his attention, I think I may have thought the rapes were the price I had to pay for the good stuff I got. But, I still was a kid, very powerless, terribly confused, and I think I could not believe that an otherwise really great guy would do something so awful if I did not deserve it. I know now, I did not deserve it and he is 100% responsible for all of it.
I will only accept responsibility for not reporting it once I was adult and certainly could not be harmed by him. But, as dumb as it sounds, at the time, I did not look at it as a crime. Only in grad school, while studying things like abuse did it dawn on me that I was a victim of a crime.
All I say is, please do not allow your heart to feel any shame or guilt for the actions of the only person who was really responsible.
You were a beautiful kid--and from your posts, I think you are a really fine man.
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.