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#8116 - 04/11/06 06:48 AM Re: healing myself to death
johnsurvived Offline

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia

There is so much of hope in your posts that I hope you will come back and read them and the words others have posted above as you continue on your way to healing. Something in your follow-up struck me:
a promise is sacred not to be broken under any circumstances . i cant get better if i do things that make me weak
Adam, man, promises made are certainly meant to be kept, and I hope you have made this one to yourself as well as to your friend. I also hope that you will look around your area for any and all resources that will help you keep this promise. But, and this is a big but, if you should slip I hope you will not take it as a sign that your promise is not still good, not still honorable, and cannot still be kept. This kind of promise is for the long haul; it's a war, not one battle. Please make this one about helping yourself and becoming the best possible you, and see it for the long-term project it may turn out to be. Because the truth is that you can continue to get better, even if you sometimes backslide into the things that make you weak, because now you know what those things are, you can never again do them quite so blindly as you might have in the past.

Looking back on what I've just written, I apologize for falling into a "you" voice instead of staying in an "I" voice, so let me come clean and say that this is advice I occasionally have to give myself, too. Like Larry says, we do the things we do, and sometimes that sucks. But if we learn and grow from the things we do, a little later down the road things don't suck nearly so bad.

Peace, man.


Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

#8117 - 04/11/06 08:52 PM Re: healing myself to death
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I would like to highlight for you something that John has just said - it's so important:

if you should slip I hope you will not take it as a sign that your promise is not still good, not still honorable, and cannot still be kept. This kind of promise is for the long haul; it's a war, not one battle.
I hope I don't sound unsupportive when I say to you that if you insist on seeing your promises to yourself as absolute you are in for trouble. I am just telling you this based on my own experiences with hard drugs, everything except H.

You didn't develop drug habits in a day and it may be that they won't be ended just through sheer force of will. Drugs will call out to you ever so sweetly when you are in a bad spot, and if you succumb to the temptation it isn't the end of the world. Just get up and keep going. No one will think the worse of you.

I of course hope you do manage to get free of them so suddenly. That will be so great if you do. Just be prepared for things to be rougher than you now imagine, and don't beat yourself up if that happens.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#8118 - 04/12/06 05:45 AM Re: healing myself to death
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

I too want to emphasize again what John said and Larry quoted above. That is so important with the path you are on and the promises you've made to yourself and others. You are important to us, Adam, but more importantly, you are important to yourself and even to a possible family at some point in the future.

Just know that you have a bunch of guys here who love and care about you, even if you do fail at times.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#8119 - 04/12/06 07:01 AM Re: healing myself to death
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
thank you all for being who you are it means a lot adam

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#8120 - 04/14/06 05:11 AM Re: healing myself to death
Derdlecar Offline

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1316
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA

It looks to me like you have pretty well identified the problems. One thing however has not changed and I think every member of this board would agree.

We all still care about you and are here for you.

I don't know that I could add anything in the way of advice that has not already been said. So you hang in there because you are worth it.

Love ya


If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

#8121 - 04/14/06 11:30 PM Re: healing myself to death
The Seeker Offline

Registered: 04/10/05
Posts: 148
Loc: Ohio, USA

I was saddened to hear how you have struggled. It is corny, but time heals wounds. So, let it go at its own pace. I found that I was rolling, only to be set back, then rolling, then set back. I think that is the nature of healing. As we grow, we see things differently, and learn. We recognize things we didn't before. That takes time. As for changing others, I tried for years. It never worked. I was so angry at my parents, but I realized the lousy job they did was the best they could muster as they were screwed before I arrived on the scene. They are better, but only after years of trying to improve themselves. And, in time, and out of the blue --they apologized for not doing better by me (and they don't even know about the CSA).

You can't peddle all the time, so coast now and again. Take a break, catch your breath, enjoy your new growth, and get back into it at a pace YOU can handle. Otherwise, we just get overwhelmed. It was important for me to understand that healing wasn't being ecstatically happy every minute of every day. It is being happy often, and dealing with the shit when it comes my way (and it always comes my way). That is just life - the good with the bad, and hopefully more good than bad.

I know you are strong and you can do it. You're a Buckeye for god's sake. Our people settled the frontiers of the New World. You got it in you. No matter where you are at, there you are. Let each day find you in its time, and deal with it as it comes. You can't do tomorrow today. All you have is right now. Yet, it is so hard to be patient cuz you wanna get on with your life, but this is your life. So, take it day by day cuz that is how it is delivered on your doorstep every morning - not in bulk.

Hang in there.

John (fellow Buckeye)

The answers are in me.

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