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#80834 - 09/26/02 11:39 PM Memories of childhood
rax Offline

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Memories of childhood

we played hide and seek
He was the seeker.
I was the kid who
closed his eyes and
hid the world from himself.

He seeked me out.
in the backyard
behind the wall
he pinned me
I was scared.

His mouth over mine,
his slobbering tongue
his hands exploring me
like a hungry dog over meat

and I froze,
like the countless times before
disassociating from my self
to keep me sane

Where was God?
Why was this happening to me.
What If someone sees this ?
Will I bring shame to my family ?

Can I cry?
If I cry,
people will ask me why.
So, I should not cry.

I will not cry,
not right now.
I will cry
when I am alone.

#479287 - 03/17/15 05:20 PM Re: Memories of childhood [Re: rax]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6363
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada

although i found this hard to read, it had to be written.

thank you for putting it out there.

people need to know the truth about CSA, and you have come very close to depicting the worst aspects of it.

thank you for speaking out. it must have hurt!
i salute your bravery.


#479289 - 03/17/15 05:27 PM Re: Memories of childhood [Re: rax]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4047
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Good one!
Thanks for sharing it, Victor.
Here's another on the same theme of hide & seek - but with a different perspective:

hide & seek

i used to hide so well
that no one else could find me.
i would wait motionless,
that someone would
seek until they found me.
but no one ever did.

i thought i was so good at it
that i would be the winner.
but no such luck
far from it.

perhaps i hid too well
or they might have thought
i wasnt worth the effort
or maybe they wanted me gone.

so i stayed outside
until it was dark and
everyone else had gone home
and i was still waiting
to be found
in the night

i knew no other game
but this one i knew very well.
i knew the rules by heart.

you must hide:
from the blows that batter.
from the words that wound.
from the hate that maims.
from the love that is not love.

you must hide:
your wishes to save disappointment.
your face cause it shows how you feel.
your eyes so they wont see the wrongs.
your bruises so no one will know.
your emotions which theyll use against you.
your body so you cant be touched.
your memories to deny all the pain.
your need, your anger, your shame.

so now its nearly impossible
to do anything but hide.
and though i heard
ive forgotten how
to come out
of hiding.

now im the one whos seeking:
my memories.
my emotions,
my self

trying to find the lost boy
in the dark

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"


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