I've been a zombie, dead on the inside, aimlessly living, a life thats not my own.
I've been a slave, living to serve you, wanting to please you, and your selfish satisfaction.
I've been a slut, a pretty piece of flesh, and submissively I have endured, your abuse and your shame.
Twenty years later, I see the light, and I know the truth.
I've seen the enemy, And it is I.
Last week, at an office meeting, someone mentioned the phrase "I have seen the enemy, and it is I ", which had meanings at so many levels. It made me think, and hence the poem.
The enemy within, is the enemy that prevents me from living a full life. That is the enemy that I have now come to recognize. That is the enemy that I now fight, to reclaim what was always mine. My life.
You may recall a movie from a few years back called, "War Games." The theme was the only way to win many wars is to not fight them. It was a bit trite, but it was very valid.
There are many wars that the only (only, only, only) way to win is not to fight.
My enemy used to stalk me at night, in waking, visual hallucination nightmares. Actually I had rationalized it (if you can call this rational) that the enemy was something external, like a demon or evil spirit sent to destroy me. For "protection" I began sleeping with a bayonet to keep me safe from the nightmares. (whoo-hoo, me so crazy )
One night, during one of them, I got up, walked to mirror, and looked in it. There he was, he looked a lot like me, but had totally black eyes, just staring at me. I knew that look. It was the "Spirit of the Bayonet." To Kill. To Kill Without Regret. We both knew one day we would connect and settle this.
That was a few years before I de-comped and started on-line group stuff.
The last time I actually saw him was a couple of years ago, I was walking down a hall and glanced sideways and saw him again. His eyes were blue now, like mine, and he (me) was looking so very, very tired of the fight. It was a mirror again.
We eventually made peace, and it is a much happier, peaceful and quiet place inside.
Pretty glad I (we) chose peace instead of war. Maybe you would be, too.
Thanks for that. Yes, sometimes in life, it is wiser to give up, than fight to the end.
but my enemy strangulates me.
when im in a mens room, Im shy to use the urinals. I used to always use the rooms, but now I take courage each time, and I dont care if I have to stand at the urinal forever, but I will not hide in the rooms.
In all my relationships, I used to only care about what gives my partner pleasure. How he feels, etc. I cannot do that any longer. Selfish as it may seem, I will not let myself be in an abusive relationship any longer.
For twenty five years, I have lived a lie. I've lived like a pseudo heterosexual. And now I cannot take it any longer. Im happier in my gay self. I revel in my hard earned status as a fabulous freak of nature (Thanks Alanis).
So, you see, I have been my enemy. I have let my abuse take over. I have let myself be submissive, a slave, a lie, a zombie.
"he will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight." "he will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces." "those who win every battle are not really skillful... those who render the enemy helpless without fighting are the best of all." Sun Tzu, The Art of War
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