I wrote this a few years ago. I feel now my dreams are in reach. I am the man standing ontop a hill, but I am not alone. I have my friends, my fellow survivors there with me. I have been coming to this site since 1997, and it feels good to see so many other survivors using it and healing.
Thank You NOMSV,
In my minds eye, I see a man standing alone on top of a steep hill. Alone, after a long, hard and lonely battle, he realizes the life he was meant to live. He struggled to find peace, in the chaos that was his life. For so many years he has tried to escape his past. He has fought to overcome the wounds of his childhood. A child that was hurt and in fear. The fear came from inside and the pain from love. In his youth, he was misunderstood and put down. No one ever seemed to care about his pain, his frustration or him. Unlike other children his age, he did not have many friends. He was never given the opportunity to make decisions regarding his own life. He was never in control of his environment. HE WAS LOST. Like other children, he had many hopes and dreams. Now after all this time, his dreams are in reach
One day, many years ago, a friend showed him the love and attention he longed for. The pain he would live his life hating. This friend taught him a type of love that was dirty and bad. This friend had him do things, many things, that would later cause him anguish. They did things together, these two friends, that at the time felt good. He thought it was fun. They slept and played. They had sex. As time past things started to change. Soon, the fun turned into work. There were times he did it as a favor. But most of the time he did it for favors. His friend would present him with gifts for the acts of love they shared. His friend would give him money, a car, a place to sleep, or just someone to talk to, for the attention and sex.
Then one day it all changed. Over time, the love seemed to dissipate as the pain and anguish increased. His friend changed. The things his friend wanted to do changed. It wasn't fun, it was painful. This boy realized how it really was. This friend wasn't looking for love. This friend wanted only the sex and attention. A friend would never take advantage of a boy lost in fear. A friend would never hurt a young boys chances for true love and true friendship.
Right now I see him, he is now a man, standing alone on top of a steep hill. Standing as if he has finally found himself. His dreams right there just out of grasp. He tries to touch them, get a glimpse of what could have been. He tries to reach his ultimate goal. To be set free of shame and doubt. He reaches out beyond the boundaries that have kept him safe for so many years. The war that has raged on for over a decade, in the mind of this man, now winds down to a halt. For so many years he has battled. He has fought the fears of being touched by another. He has fought the thoughts of hurting another. Now after all this time he falls to the ground and sleeps. He has no more fears of dreams that would wake him up at night. He can now hold another without the pain in his mind. HE SLEEPS!
What this young boy has gone through, occurs far too often in our society. This young boy was sexually abused by a someone he thought was his friend. Sexual abuse can happen to almost anyone and almost anywhere.
This boy is now 32 years old. He has a wife and two wonderful children. This boy is me. My Uncle started abusing me at age 14. I was finally able to say no at age 21. Over the past 10 years I have tried to forget the fear and pain that he caused. If I had understood what he was doing, I would have never allowed it to happen. He knew what to do to keep me silent. My Uncle knew how to calm my fears and make things feel all right. As time went on, he knew what to say and what to do, to keep me trapped in pain and silence. He lied and cheated his way into my heart. The road to recovery is long and challenging. For now, my dreams are still out of reach. I know there will be a time when I will be free of all the pain and fear. Until then, I will live each day as it comes, praying, hoping, and dreaming of that glorious day when my dreams are in hand and I can call myself "A Survivor."
Now I am 35, still married and have three children. I am living my dreams, maybe not all but as many as I can catch.
"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"