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#79909 - 10/17/06 01:19 AM Monday
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Today, I will go inside
Today, I will wrap myself up in a brown cocoon and pull inside myself
Like my child
I am afraid of people today
I do not want to go out
Or stay in
Or do
I want to walk around the house
And I want to eat
And then hate myself for it
I can feel myself getting fat....just sort of blowing up
And everything is the color that the sky gets when it's about to rain
I will go out
I will
I have to
I have gone out every day that I can remember
Because I had to

I hate my cocoon
I don't know why I go there
I just do
The darkness seems safe
I don't have to feel
I listen, though, to what's outside
The people walking by
I'm hidden there, you know

It's funny how I feared the dark so many years
And now it's where I'm safe
Where I want to go
Where I'd spend my life, if there wasn't a part of me that knew that there was a chance that I might not remember how to get out of there again
If I let myself really go there
I mean really, really go there

And, when I get this way, I'm sure that no one really likes me
That I am all alone
And yet I know I'm not
And someone does
And if I say it, and someone tells me that they like me a lot and I'm fine, I feel foolish, and feel like I just said it to get someone to say they like me
But I really didn't
And, when I get like this, I really do
Feel like no one likes me
Or loves me
And I'm a kid, I think


Who is that kid?
I think he's me, but sometimes I don't know
Sometimes I think I made him up
But, then, I know he's me
But. if he's me, why can't I remember being him
You know......remember
Like, real memories
I have some of those
I know the difference

How can I feel the things he feels
And see the things he sees
And cry his tears
If he's not me
And I'm not him
And those things never happened?

The darkness really is my friend
Because more than dark, it's nothingness
Not thinking there
Just staring out at nothing
Still, I hear the footsteps running by
And I know I'll make myself go out

You see, I really don't want to get stuck in the dark
I hate the nothingness in there
I just don't want to have to live like me again
Never really being......anything

But now I must be moving
The one who has control over me
The CEO of Bobby, who watches over me from somewhere deep inside my brain, has given me enough dysfunctional time today
I must produce just enough to get me by
Ah, yes! A wonderful existence

Some day, I'll just take off this rubber suit I wear that makes me who they think I am
And not get out of bed

Until I realize that nothing's going to change by my doing that.

Until I realize that nothing's going to change.

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#79910 - 10/21/06 11:55 PM Re: Monday
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Who is that kid?
I think he's me, but sometimes I don't know
Sometimes I think I made him up
But, then, I know he's me
And that's why you know, in your heart, that you aren't making him up. He is still very much a part of who you are now, and his spirit is with you as you write these poems.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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