Here's a funny thing that happened to me today, and I'm taking it as a hopeful sign. I was walking to work and went past an old Datsun parked on the street. For you young guys, Datsun was the American name for Nissan automobiles way back when I was a kid. You don't see them much any more. This was a really old model and the name isn't used any more, I don't think. It was the same type of car that the minister who molested me used to drive when I first knew him.
So I see this car and it really just jolted me. Nothing horrific, but it just caused me to pause for a moment with an uncomfortable feeling and then I remembered he used to drive one. So I thought to myself, could I be feeling a little odd because of the associations I have with that car? And then I had this litttle flash of sadness. Just my eyes getting a little teary, but nothing extreme. Then I got pissed. I can't believe how this shit bugs me. What kind of fucking moron gets jittery about a car. And then I thought about the little plastic dinosaurs that the minister used to keep in the car to entice little kids, which really got me pissed, and remembered driving in it to cookouts when he was still duping my mother into giving him access to me and my brother. And then I decided not to worry about it. It's history. Sad history, but history. I am who I am, I like myself, and who cares about any of the rest of it. And off I went to work.
So now that I'm sitting here eating lunch, it occured to me. I pushed right through the steps denial, grief, anger and acceptance all in the time it took to walk about the distance of one city block. I don't know that I'll handle every trigger so easily going forward, but it makes me happy to think that this thing bubbled up, I processed it, and then moved onward. No big crisis. If it sounds like I'm patting myself on the back, I am. If it sounds like I'm making a big deal about something silly, I don't know. Maybe I am, but for me it felt great to just face what was happening, process it and not have it fuck me up.