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#78807 - 04/05/06 11:04 PM Keeping It In (Big Triggers, Maybe)
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I told her
About the suicide thoughts
She thinks sometimes this goes away
Sometimes it isn't there
I shouldn't have
It hurts her
Makes her mad
Makes her afraid that I might do it

Don't think so

But the thoughts are there
They just are, that's all
They just sort of swim around in the back of my mind
Like barracudas
Kept at bay by God knows what

She talks of obligations I have
To family
To friends
I know that
I understand that
The barracudas aren't sure

Why will no one let me talk about it
Why will no one let me say how I feel
What I feel
How can you get over it if you have to be ashamed to feel it
Now you get to have two shames
Shame because it happened
And shame because you're reacting to the shame

Someone please say:
"That was a horrible thing that happened to you"
"That was a horrible thing your father did"
"It's amazing that you're still alive"
"Good for you for trying to make it all right"
"We know you could have given up...wanted to give up...want to give up every day, but don't"
"We believe you. We believe these things happened to you"

"It's so hard to believe that someone like your father would"
"I believe it because you say it's true, but..."
"It's evident that something happened, but you may never know exactly what"
"It won't make me feel any differently towards him because he thinks these things about our father"
"Some of the things you say just don't quite make sense. I don't see how..."

And so I keep it in
Because I have no proof
Because I don't like the looks they give me
Because I want to be believed and can't bear not to be
Because I'm so afraid it's not true and that I'm simply mentally ill
Because they feel so threatened that I think the things I do

And I cry
And I'm depressed
And I play sad music on the piano that comes from deep inside
And I cling to my work by a thread
And I smile and laugh and make jokes
And I do the taxes
And I mow the lawn
And I pay the bills

And I think of suicide

But I won't tell
Not again
Not ever


I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#78808 - 04/06/06 12:26 AM Re: Keeping It In (Big Triggers, Maybe)
TX_Space Offline

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 163
Loc: Texas

Hang in there. You know you're believed here! You're safe here and nobody is giving you looks of doubt.

You are such an honest writer. I love that about you. Those are words that so many of us wish we could express.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I wish I was there to give you a real hug man. It sucks to feel the way you do but know you're not alone. That is what is so GREAT about this're never alone. And, when you feel this way...there are men here to pick you up. And, when I felt this, like YOU, were there to pick me up.

Keep talking to us here. We listen. We know and understand.

May God Bless're in my prayers!

#78809 - 04/06/06 04:40 AM Re: Keeping It In (Big Triggers, Maybe)
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
bobby i believe you unconditionaly adam

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#78810 - 04/07/06 02:48 AM Re: Keeping It In (Big Triggers, Maybe)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

You are right to talk about whatever bothers or frightens you. And I think it's very important to talk at times like that. When I was a kid and considered suicide it seems like it was always when I felt alone and invisible, with no one to turn to and say "This hurts so bad".

Just keep talking my friend. And remember that suicide is the abuser's ultimate victory, not just over the lost survivor, but over a little piece of all of us.

You are not just valuable TO us, you are valuable as a part of who we are and what we represent. There's a great old spiritual about this: "Let the circle be unbroken".

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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