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#78297 - 03/16/06 11:38 PM bible reading
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
I hate God right now. It's easy to blame him, and I'm tired of feeling shitty. More than that, I can't accept responsibility for my share, IF that's my share. I am hurting, but is God waiting to share with me? Am I avoiding him? Will I still be loved in spite of MY guilt? Help!

fhorns


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#78298 - 03/17/06 03:27 AM Re: bible reading
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
fhorns,

One of the things I've discovered on this journey is that God's shoulders are large enough to handle my anger. I've spent my share of time being angry with him and asking him why, blaming him for all that's happened.

The other thing I've discovered is that God always loves me no matter what. He's always there just waiting for me to look up and acknowledge he's there and that he loves me inspite of the guilt. In fact he's wanting to take it from me If I'm willing to give it up.

I don't know if it helps or not, but I've tried to address your questions in light of my own experience.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#78299 - 03/17/06 04:03 PM Re: bible reading
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
fhorns,

If you mean "your share" of the blame for what happened to you as a boy, that's an easy one. Your share of the blame is zero. Abuse is never the child's fault, though of course abusers try to convince kids that they are "in on" what is happening to them. God knows that you were an innocent defenseless child.

As for the rest, I can only tell you my own experience. I too felt very conflicted as a boy and also as an adult about where God was when I was being abused. I felt like I had been abandoned. The guy who was abusing me was an assistant scoutmaster, but he was also a big-shot in our church and abused me several times IN the church. I would hear about how Jesus protects children and I would wonder why not me? I thought this proved I deserved what was happening. The abuser also warned me that if I told anyone, the Session of the church would vote and I would go to hell.

As an adult, when I was white-hot angry about the abuse, I was also angry a lot at God. I am still not sure I have worked my way through this. But I can now see that I wasn't abandoned. When I would dissociate and "go" to a corner of the ceiling so I would not have to be that boy in the room below, God was with me, kept me safe, and wouldn't let me look down at what was happening. When I was about to cut my wrists at the age of 12, he stopped me and made sure my sister walked in before I could do it. Later he told me no, don't step in front of the train. Much later, he told me, yes, you are a good enough man to marry this wonderful woman.

For many guys, bro, recovery from abuse is a spiritual journey as well as an emotional one. They both take time, but both are possible and within our grasp.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#78300 - 03/19/06 06:05 AM Re: bible reading
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
My share has been the guilt.


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#78301 - 03/19/06 06:26 AM Re: bible reading
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
fhorns,

I see what you mean. But remember that the guilt you are talking about is a feeling. There is a huge difference between "I FEEL guilty" and "I AM guilty". The truth is that you did nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. This burden belongs to the abuser; it ALWAYS does.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#78302 - 03/20/06 12:38 PM Re: bible reading
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
My most crucial discovery in this regard was acknowledging that it was my choice to go thru the Dark night of the Soul to discover my light, that was my sacred contract with the divine.

So my responsibility was to pick myself up after I got hurt and soothe myself. I took time to learnt that, but now that I have I know I can pick myself up from any hell hole possible, and that I always have God by my side waiting to pick me up if only I allow HIM.

I just have to stretch my arm out.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#78303 - 03/20/06 05:36 PM Re: bible reading
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
fhorns,

Do you know about Harold Kushner's classic book When Bad Things Happen to Good People? It's an amazing book and might help you. Rabbi Kushner writes based on his own experience of losing his daughter, and his approach abandons many of the traditional theological explanations of evil. His book has helped people of all faiths and backgrounds for a long time now. A copy can be had used from Amazon for less than $5.00.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#78304 - 03/20/06 11:46 PM Re: bible reading
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Hi all,

One day, the crack of god's light broke through to help me realize that the version of him (she, it) that instituionalizers would have me place my belief in, did not exist. This particular version was verily the guy behind the curtain in the wizard of oz, pulling all the switches and levers.

Because of my recovery experience I was able to cultivate a much more functional hands on experience of god, which has been life giving, hope inspiring, and path fulfilling.

While not particularly a bible thumper myself, I do have certain verses that give me certitude in my faith. I especially love when god says in the old testament: 'Deep within their being I will implant my law...I will write it in their hearts'. In other words, god is always as close to me as my own breath, and when i was abused, god was abused. There was never any separation between us.

I simply had a misconception about the nature of god who dwells within me, as opposed to the teaching that he is 'somewhere out there'. My truth is this: I am not a human put here to become an angel; I am an angel that is learning to live in skin. And I am not in here all alone by myself. My god is as close to me as my breath, and he will never ever go away, not only because he can't, but because he said he never would.

So no matter what the institutionalizers would have me believe the truth is better heard in my own conscience, directly from god's heart to my inner ears.

I apologize if my truth offends anyone, and I pray that all come to know the peace and joy of god's continual presence in their lives.

Ron

_________________________
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC, LPC, CCTP


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#78305 - 03/21/06 12:54 PM Re: bible reading
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
The Soul's Jouney
-----------------
The day I realized that God resided within me as me I also realized that He also experienced my darkness with me. So thereafter there was no question of any abandonment or rejection.

But why is the experience of darkness essential for a soul's growth?

It is only when we experience extreme of darkness are we pushed to seek the light. Only at the peak of night do we start looking forward to the dawn.

So experiences of darkness are essential for our growth as a soul. What rises then is a feeling of gratitude for our soul which took on this journey to find God in the darkest of night. And we decide to honour our choice thru our every choices. And that is when we get empowered.

Victim is a state of mind and can never be the state of a soul. We get to walk this path of light only when we open the doorway of forgiveness.

In the cosmic order there are no accidents or coincidences either, it is all ordained according to our life>
_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#78306 - 03/21/06 04:00 PM Re: bible reading
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Amen Morning Star!

_________________________
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC, LPC, CCTP


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