I was raised in the Catholic tradition, and still consider myself one (although I'm more Universalist in mindset and views regarding God), but I reject some of the key dogma of the faith. I'm a Christian still. I reject some of my fundamentalist siblings' views about the importance of saving a soul over the more material (after all, how can one be concerned of God and his desires when one is hungry, thirsty, or in pain), but believe in the divinity of Jesus. I feel that it's not important to testify and try to convert as it is to display God's love in action and thought.
I want anybody who reads this to understand it all before I tell my story of how I rediscovered God, of how He saved my life, and how I believe all of us need God in our lives, however you conceive His truth to be.
Life isn't easy. It hasn't been for a long time and it still continues to be a struggle some time. At the end of a rope (I've had several ends of the ropes
), I had a vision. Jesus himself speaking to me. I've written of the experience before (it can be looked up still, I think, for the past year here), but the jist of it was an answer, not a COMPLETE answer, but an answer as to why I've had to go through what I went through, why it happened, and how God was with me the whole time.
A remarkable thing, when the Son of Man talks to you, yet I STILL wasn't ready to pull the trigger, to "pray the prayer," as it's sometime said. I had ANOTHER vision, and STILL I wasn't ready. God was knocking on my door, and I wasn't ready.
It took yet another low point, when suicide was again a real option, when I realized that I needed God. I needed Him for selfish reasons, true, but I realized at that time that He was always there. Just like the "Footprints In The Sand" story.
Always there, always giving strength, even talking to me like I was a blasted Prophet or something, yet I wasn't ready to accept God in my life completely. Then, I realized that despite the strength I had, the gifts I had, the heart I had, it wasn't enough because I hadn't tapped into the power.
I was looking at the whole deal all wrong. I was thinking that God had to answer my prayers MY WAY. I was balming God for my abuse, for the misfortune of the world, without realizing He was a parent to us all, and he had let us go as a species to make our own way. That decisions were made by others that could hurt me or I could hurt others, and He limited His own interference because He knew we could best reach our potential that way.
Sometimes, that seems like a bad decision. We, as a species, screw up all the time. We hurt each other, kill each other, over the most stupid of things. We, I, seek to divide when we should be uniting. this is why we've SURVIVED as a species, because we sure as Hell aren't the physically strongest or the smartest or the wisest.
And we can't continue on without Him. It has to be OUR choice, however, if we want Him in our lives.
I made the decision. And while it's still hard, while I still curse and feel sad and angry and am by no means a good "Christian" by definition, I don't feel quite so alone anymore.
I don't feel like trust will foreve be impossible anymore.
I don't feel quite so unloved anymore.
This has made the world a little brighter place for me. It's made me see hope even when hope is far away.