I talk about recovery and it sometimes sounds to me like I am talking about acheiving an end and a total healing of the trauma I experienced during the SA and all the hurting effects it has had in my life.
I've come to realize, however, that recovery is for me a process that will continue for the rest of my life. I will never "get over" what happened. I will change what I do with those experiences.
I think that the self-examination that my recovery requires will lead to a gradual healing of my spirit. Already I feel the buds of a spirituality that will not this time be repressed but which will bloom within me.
For me recovery and spirituality are not separate. Recovery stimulates spiritual growth and spirtuality supports recovery.
It is ironic that the person who first introduced me, as a child, to thoughts about spirtuality was the person who beat me, screamed at me, belittled me, was the first to s-xually abuse me when I was just an infant, and ignored the distress I experienced as the result of SA perpetrated by others.
She was/is a born-again Christian, experienced a spiritual conversion . She, not surprisingly, survived a difficult childhood herself and as a young married adult starting to have children, sought spiritual guidance from a power higher than herself.
Regardless of how her God seemed to fail her in some ways, He did and continues to support her in her struggles with mental illness and a largely disintegrated family.
She must feel a great deal of pain, too, and her spirituality I suppose has supported her through that as her faith in her God has grown.
I don't know what her doubts are. I don't know what her regrets are, if any.
Her actions created a distance between us from the time that I was very young. That family fell apart from the beginning. She lives in a world of myths and delusions. I am determined to seek Truth and liberate myself from lies and secrets.
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.