Me Again -
I am a mess.
Its after 12 noon local time, and I am not even up and dressed yet. I just got out of the shower after spending 1.5-2 hrs looking at gay porn and mstrbtng. I feel awful. I feel numb and at the same time I feel terrified that I am losing control over this sickening behavior. When I look at that stuff its like I am in a trance. I don't feel connected to my body and I lose all track of time, hot/cold/hunger/pain its very wierd. I know that I am using it as some sort of drug to numb myself from a whole collection of shameful and sad feelings.
BeenThereDoneThat. So relating to this except different kind of porn, but still the same old shit!
I really WANT God in my life, but I can't fight the drive to disconnect from God and real life when I get depressed ...
For different reasons than yourself, I can very much relate to this also, Sonlite. Having God in my life has not been easy & its a long process, but it has made the difference for me.
It is scary just how vulnerable my moods and actions are to changes in the weather. But it is ANOTHER gray and overcast, cloudy/rainy day. We had some sunshine yesterday and I felt better and was out and about and made some job search moves. Yes, I am on an antidepressant (Zoloft). I can't afford a therapist right now bc I am unemployed.
Sonlite the weather can affect us in a lot of ways
It affects me mostly becuz of my fibromyalgia which seems in me to be very sensitive to weather changes especially barometric pressure.
I am on Zoloft too...
Fellow North Carolinian, I'm not sure what the laws are on this, but I think there are ways of getting therapy if not free at least relatively inexpensively if you are unemployed. Of course you may not get much choice in a T, I'm not sure. But you sure don't want just any T when you are a male survivor. However therapy can help...
I just don't trust God enough yet. I just don't love myself enough yet. Why WOULD I trust God or love myself? I was abused by a priest, in a church! In my head I know that God has never really let me down. I know it makes Him mad that I don't trust him. Emotionally, I can't let go.
Oh Sonlite I so relate to these feelings.
But from my view you have gotten to the core of it my friend. Trusting God & loving myself have long been my key issues, and I think will always be keys of life for me.
I've known in my head that God never let me down for about 25 years, since I became a Christian & at least started to really believe in & to some small degree trust God.
But emotionally I still have feelings that God abandoned me to abuse, and in some ways even abused me.
For you it was being abused by a priest in a church. For me it was being abused by parents & others who told me there was no God or if there was He didn't give a damn. It wasn't long before that was pretty easy to believe much less feel.
Over time the feelings are fading as I learn to know, trust & love God--and myself--more & more. I'm coming to understand that God isn't mad at me for having these feelings & not trusting Him. He does want me to talk with Him about them for my own healing (He knows already anyway). So sometimes I really get loose & vent with God. Scary at first but so far He's been able to handle
This is taking a lot of therapy & support from wherever I can get it, like right here.
I have been doing some reading on the Myers-Briggs personality type stuff as I prepare for my job search and have learned that I am an INTP which means Introverted/iNtuitive/Thinking/Perceiving and which means among other things, that I tend to live inside my head too much and spend too much time getting stuck on trying to understand things instead of just accepting them and moving on.
Yeah. My T says I ask "Why?" too much...
Been a long time since I did the Meyers Briggs but I did it a few times & it was a bit different each time. What I do know is I can relate to what you're saying.
I also have been reading the Prayer of Jabez but I don't feel like I deserve or am mature enough to handle God's blessings. Abuse has robbed me of confidence my whole life.
Sonlite the Prayer of Jabez (from the Bible, not the book, which I haven't read yet) has long been one of my favorites, kind of a personal vision prayer for me. Yes abuse makes that prayer (and a lot of others) hard to pray or believe. I am trying to believe that no matter what God wants to bless me & help me mature as the person He made
me to be, if I will let Him. That's still a tough one for me...
So thats where I am for the moment. Sorry.
Thanks for listening anybody,
Sonlite, I'm sorry too.
But we are here & we are listening. Take care.