(From 2004 - age, and a few other details, updated in January, 2007)
I am happy to have found you. I find it easy to discuss myself with strangers, so it doesn't surprise me when I tell too much about myself.
The zip file on me: 47, abused repeatedly by a much older stranger when I was between 12 & 16, became a problem drinker when I left home for college, got involved with a fundamentalist church (against my liberal family's wishes), then came BURSTING out of the closet a couple of years later (having lived a double life in gay bars throughout this phase), lost my small-town job in '87, moved to the big city with my severance package in '88, was HIV+ by '89, first began to recognize the abuse for what it was, in and out of therapy ever since, full-blown AIDS by '93, surviving to this day...
Then... was involved in a traumatic accident (struck by a cab, fracturing my right femur and wrist in April '03), dealing with P.T.S.D. since then and - surprise, surprise - the abuse issue has re-emerged in my treatment for Bipolar II.
The perennial issue for me...why would I go back, again and again, to our remote rendez-vous locations when - in hindsight, granted - it was sexual abuse from the get-go?
The equally problematic thing was that, by the time this first started, I was already playing around with a neighborhood friend (also gay, then and ever since). I find it difficult to separate the "boys will be boys" good fun from the totally inappropriate abuse by the much older guy.
Yet with him - the older guy - I experienced my first (ever) orgasm and because I didn't know what was happening, naive kid that I was, I turned away from him, thus spoiling his fun....shame ensued, ya da ya da ya da...
I have never - no, never - had a significant, loving relationship - and I can count dates on one hand. Everything else - and there was lots of it - was in bath houses and the like.
I know I'm in the right place ;^)
"This above all; to thine own self be true."
William Shakespeare, Hamlet