Hello all. Im new to the whole interntet comunity thing but this seemed like a good fit. If there is one thing I am, it is a survivor. My firs memory as a child was when I was six. the memory is of me being pined to the flor by her ( my 15year old babysitter) crushing my penis in to her and slaping my face telling me Im going to millitay school. I know nothing of my life befor that moment. It started when I was five. My parants had just had two kids and were wanting to get out of the house. They interviewd some posibal babysiters and decided on our neghbors daughter, sonya. The abuse started right away. she would ride me for what seemed like hours, make me eat her out, forcing my face deep in her. this went on for seven months. When my sister finaly told my parants what was happining. It ended imidetly. a few day later my parents started taking me to see a thatapest. and then the police came.
When the police got involved it was like salt in the wounds. She was brought up on 86 counts of aggravated sexual assult of a minor. I spent four hours on the wittness stand. I was told I wanted what happend to me, I was told that i liked it. I was told than any normal person would have liked what was done to me. I could go on but you get the point. and then It came, she was gulity! this was all the info I got then.
I contuned in therepy, all the while battling with major depression, anxity, and now in my later years more intresting symptoms. The night terrors started when I hit puberty. they got so bad that I would just not sleep. and thats what I did. I would maby pass out for an hour or so every day or so, but would only wake up soon after, unable to breathe. The flash backs started when I was 16. at first they were no big deal ya know just a woha did I just see that? but they got worse, to a point where I would just drop where I was statnding I would black out and wake up in a flashback. it was no way to live my life and at 20 years old I said enough. I went to spend time at a certen treatment center in CA. I thought they would address my tramua issues. to them the only problome I had was a drug problome ( I failed my entry drug test positve for THC)( oh and I shuld also mention that I was dignosed as a scitzoprenic) They did put me on some anti phycotic meds to help the flash backs and night terrors. Doxipan, Remaron, and Mirtzipne. Those drugs saved my life. but there was a catch. If the meds were to be effective then they would need to be taken in such a high dose that it would effectively comatose me for the day. I could not funtion on the meds, but they worked.
Now almost a year affter seeking help, I have tried to move on with my life. and hear is where evrything went to shit. In order for me to carry out the day to day tasks of a normal person the medicationd dose had to be reduced. it took a few moths but we got it to a levle where i could have the energy to hold a job. And thats what scares me . It seems to me I have a choise to make. eather keep the meds at the current levle and just accepet the flash back and night terrors or and this is what scares me go back up on the meds to controal my symptoms. If I do this then I lose my job. I dont know what to do. I cant live with the flash backs, i cant do it. they would eventuly drive me crazy, I would shut down. So I have to go back up on the meds. I want to live but druged out of my gorde is now way to live. I am stating to think that I might be permintly disabled. and becaus of this Ill most likly never have sex. Im 21 and Im the only virgin I know. It sux but somitng about girls you know. Its all so mutch some days I wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel, becaus now I dont see it.
Well thats it, me in a nutshell. plese feel fre to PM me


"same old repitition fealing up and down agen, sorrow is a highway that never seams to end"
- Jeff Austen, Younder Mountain String band