Well, I have slightly lowered my barriers - I told my best female friend last night. She was very supportive and of course she insists that I find a therapist because she wants me to recover. I can't believe I told her (she is only the 2nd person I've told besides my posting at the request of my friend bkb). She asked me if I felt better after our talk and I told her "NO, I just re-lived one of my worst nightmares" I guess she thought when you tell someone you automatically "feel" better - not my case I couldn't sleep because I just told something that I had been hiding for 33 years. I know it'll get easier to talk about it but I'm afraid that I'll stop because I don't feel "better" afterwards. What do you think? I have started looking for a local therapist - I hope I can find one because I want to go on with a new life one that doesn't have such a bad secret with all the coverup lies and find someone to love me and I want a physical relationship for once in my life.