I am glad to have a forum to tell my story of S.A. since it has caused so many problems throughout my life. I will try to limit any specifics which may act as triggers but will warn readers when any possible triggers may come up. I am now 39 years old and it has been approximately 2-1/2 years since I began to have memories of my abuse. It all started 7 yrs ago when me and my wife were trying to get pregnant with our first child. I began having serious sexual dysfunctions which ranged from no interest in sex to erectile dysfunction. I went from urologist to urologist despirately seeking a medical cause for this problem. My wife was becoming upset and depressed. When it was suggested that my problems were psychological I decided to to some investigating on the internet because of other problem I have had during my life which until now did not correlate or make sense.
I was born the first child to a steel worker and teacher. We lived in a small house in northwestern Indiana where I grew up most of my life. For the longest time and even still to date I don't remember my childhood. The pieces I do remember are general, like having stomach ulcers when I was in the third and fifth grades and being placed on Valium as a child for my 'nervous stomach'. My mother states that up until I was in the third grade I was a very outgoing boy but after the third grade I became what I am today. That is someone who is very shy, very sensitive and easily spooked. I had virtually no friends because I was always afraid and non trusting of other people. My sensitivity would always cause me embarrassment because I would cry very easily. This and being shy caused constant teasing by other boys as well as some teachers, frequently comparing me to a girl. Ironically it was the girls whom I felt more comfortable with and who would even stick up for me when I was being tormented by the boys.
My mother taught in a catholic school and had me in public school in the 1st grade, catholic school in the 2nd grade, public school in the 3rd grade, catholic school in the 4th and part of the 5th grade and then public school from then on. I remember having what I now know as panic attacks mainly at night when I was in grade school where I would have to read books in the middle of the night just to calm down. I was very self conscious and could not shower in front of the other boys after gym class in junior high and high school. Because of my social problem and having no friends, I had to do something to try to stay sane and this was getting involved with liking horses (which is not something typical for a boy or now for me as a man). I began to learn to ride as well as spend a lot of time at the barn with these wonderful animals. These animals were something that I could finally trust and feel comfortable being around. It helped offset the intense feeling of lonliness and differentness which I experienced. Once again there was teasing for doing something that was considered 'girly'. Kids at school started calling me Shawna and giving nicknames like 'RunAway' and 'Spooky' because they would take pleasure in trying to scare me so that I would run away instead of fight. My 'fight or flight' response was always in flight mode so my initial reaction was to run away first then ask questions later. This is probably why I bonded so well with the horses. I remember running away where I could be alone and just sitting and crying until I felt better.
All of this childhood pain carried on into high school and then college with continued lonliness, shyness, and sensitivity and well as anxiety and depression.
Only in internship after medical school was I able to find a girlfriend (who later became my wife) who decided to give me a chance and through a slow process on her part, cautiously gain my trust without spooking me to 'run away'. Even though I didn't know it at the time, she always suspected that something went on with me during my childhood.
Getting back to the current time, after researching all of the above childhood problem mentioned above, I was able to myself suspect that I was abused as a young boy. I casually brought the subject up with my mother who at the time blew it off and quickly changed the subject only stating that 'your father would never do that to you' which was funny because in our talking, never once did I mention my father. She to this day still denies anything and thinks that I am the crazy one.
I then decided to go to a therapist to delve into this further. My therapist uses a technique called EMDR where a majority of the therapy session allows my mind to go wherever it wants to go. Boy, did it go places.
Scary places that would always bring me back to my childhood bedroom in vivid detail, always at night and always with my father. (Warning possible triggers!) From my now surfacing repressed memories that for several years from the time I was in second-third grade until I was in fifth grade, I was the victim of repeated sexual and physical abuse. I was repeatedly violated anally and orally and remember in gross detail all the positions, feelings, and smells of those times. This would occur almost nightly. Whenever I pissed him off I was thrown against the wall or held in a choke hold with my face down into my bed or face to face with him while he threatened me. Nighttime was a time of constant fear for me even if I wasn't being abused that night. The bastard would not do any of the normal father/son activities but would only come to me at night to abuse and then discard like an animal.
Even though I have a lot of therapy to go through, I thank God that I was able to get through all of that without going down the wrong path. Of course, there is a lot more to my story but I just wanted to express how S.A. can really mess several aspects of one's life.