I'm no different than anyone else in this forum in that I was sexually abuse. But I am different than most in who abused me - my own father. Sexual abuse is a tragedy in itself, but to have it done by one's father is probably one of the worst things that could happen to a soul.
I've been in and out of therapy a lot but decided to stop - I could see no change, no real healing.
I've read several posts here and can identify with several issues. One guy wrote about pattern behavior - meaning, having the same issues come up over and over again throughout life. I've seen that in my life too. I have had 3 failed relationships, I continue to have trouble trusting people, I get stuck in this d@#n victim role, I have never been able to escape this underpinning sorrow - despite medications, and I have a quiet inner rage that is persistently pervasive.
When you meet me, you wouldn't guess this is who I am because I keep people out with a positive, "everything is fine" persona. But when I'm at home and alone, the real me is my constant companion. I live alone now not by choice but from necessity: I figured it's easier than living with someone and using all my energy keeping them at bay.
I have decided that the life of an abused victim is a lonely road thats punctuated with only small moments of connectedness. I'm using this site as my "small moment."
"Hey Dad, you deserve real hell for what you did. But you know what...I'd never wish that on my worst enemy. So when you die and if there is a hell and if I get a say in whether or not you go to hell, please know that I would say, 'No, do not send him to hell.'"