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#76110 - 01/12/05 02:47 AM My Story...TRIGGER WARNING
SevenTwoTwo76 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/12/05
Posts: 3
About 12 years ago there was an attack on a 4th grader near my house. The attacker apparently looked like me and I was arrested as I walked home from school. I was in Juvenile hall for close to 3 weeks before the real perpetrator was caught attacking another kid and confessed to the one I was accused of.
No one in the hall believed that I was innocent nor do they like "child abusers" which they believed me to be. The premises were very well monitored and fights and problems were diffused almost instantly so I felt relatively safe from the other inmates.
Whenever you have a visitor they can elect to bring you into a separate room and perform a full body cavity search. My family always came to visit at around 7:00 pm after work so the guards during the week were always the same. They were two gals both around 23 or so. They always elected to do the cavity search. They made lots of lewd sexual coments but it never amounted to much more.
One night after the other guards on the floor went home they got me from my cell and brought me into the community showers in an adjacent cell block. It was probably around midnight or so. They told me to get ready to shower so I removed my clothes. There are anchor points in the showers so that people who refuse to shower can be cuffed to the wall and hosed off. They cuffed my arms to the anchor point for legs so that I was facing the wall on my knees. They started laughing once I was cuffed and one told the other to go get the guys. As she left the other gal stood over me and asked me if I had ever been fucked in the ass. When I did't answer she kicked me in the ribs and asked again. "No," I said. She laughed and said "you're about to go from virgin to slut kid." I heard the guys from the cell block running into the shower. They were the guys who were in for serious crimes and were just waiting for their 18th birthday so they could be tried as adults. The guard, still laughing poured shampoo on my butt and turned on the shower for a minute. The water wasw ice cold and as soon as she turned it off I felt someone grab me from behind. That was how it started. I heard them lock the shower door after a minute or so. Guys were yelling and cheering. Soon I was performing oral sex. They didn't have to threaten me because I knew what would hapen if I didn't. I just did whatever they wanted. It felt like it lasted for 6 days.
It must have been a couple of hours before they were finished. The guards let me lay there on the floor for a while before they turned on the ice cold water. They asked me if I liked being a "fuck doll."
The next day everybody had heard what had happened because the guys were bragging about what they had done, so my nickname became "fuck doll." I had to endure endless harassment from the inmates, asking for blowjobs etc...
They did it 3 more times before I left. I told them that I would go along with it if they promised not to cuff me again because the cuffs really hurt. I did everything they wanted and they got more creative everytime.
I don't know how many men raped me. There were about 30 guys on that particular cell block on average. Some guys were transfered out while new guys came in. I know not all the guys on the block participated. I wish they all had. It was more humiliating being around people who knew what happened then it was to be around the guys who had done it. The humilation I had to endure for more than 2 weeks was far worse than the pain caused by actual acts. I don't like to refer to it as rape as I feel that I consented to it. I was a willing participant because I had no other choice. These thing happen. It wasn't all bad. They didn't beat me up. It was just meaningless sex. I'm a pretty strong guy, I could have fought back if I wanted. I consented to it. It wasn't that bad. This happens all the time in jail. I just happened to be there because the cops screwed up. Just a dumb luck mistake is all it was.

#76111 - 01/12/05 04:22 AM Re: My Story...TRIGGER WARNING
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

The statement you made, "I was a willing participant, because I had no other choice," says it all. The fact that you had no other choice, means that you were not a willing participant. You were trying to survive!

Don't take on any of those perps guilt! DON'T! You experienced sexual abuse, plain and simple. You didn't ask to go there. You didn't ask to be treated that way once you got there. They took advantage of your bad situation and all you did was try to survive until you could get released. They own all the guilt, not you.

The fact that this happened 12 years ago and you are still trying to deal with it, proves you were abused and not a willing participant. I was in denial for 32 years. Let me tell you, it won't work. At some point you have to deal with these issues and it seems like you are trying to now.

Remember, you didn't ask to go there,and you didn't asked to be raped and abused. It wasn't your fault. It never was your fault.

The guys here will help you realize that and help you out a lot. I wish you luck and if you ever need to chat, send me a PM.


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