My name is Mike, I was born and raised in Miami Florida, and am currently living in Titusville, Florida in a homeless recovery program for veterans. I am prior Air Force (Security Police). I have struggled for years with my sexual identity due to my sa. For years I refused to accept the fact that I am gay. I honestly did NOT want to be, and I chose to ignore it for years. If I was asked I would always say "no, I'm not". The strange part is, is that this part of me never went away. Not strange to you, you might think, but very strange to me, fore I had been raised that being gay IS a choice, and that by choosing to live this life style would take you to Hell. I even joined a very devoute church name the international church of christ for the help that I felt that I needed to live in self denial. I was living a lie there, and had to learn to accept this so I left. I now know that being gay is NOT a choice. Just like being sa is NOT a choice. So, here I am living in a straight very masculine recovery program as a gay man.
Let me back up here. My mom devorced my biological father when I was just 7 years old because he chose to be out with drinking buddies instead of being home with his wife, and kids.
My mom remarried when I was 9 years old. My step father chose to focus on me with his sexual attacks.
I am the oldest of three children, then is my sister by two years, and then my little brother by 5 years. Luckliy my sister was only approached once, and my brother was never approached.
My dad is now on his 5th wife all due to alchol, and my mom has not remarried after my step father.
I grew up with my bio dad living in Coral Gables, Fl. and going to the Coral Gables Country Club Pool on a regular basis when ever we went to visit him. He was the president of the club at one time. I think you get the picture (the high scioiety type) with a lot of cocktail parties in our home.
Meanwhile my mom, and step father kept us living in the country.
My sa expierience:
It started when I was just 10. I made the mistake of asking my step father to tell me about the birds, and the bees. He said that he would not only tell me about what happens, but would show my what the sperm looked like. He told me then forced me to use my hand to slide it up and down his penis, faster and faster, until he cried out and shot white guey substance from his penis.
I was scared and disgusted with him, and that was it for about 5 months. Then one night after everyone had gone to sleep, I was woken up by my step father performing oral sex on me. I was scared, and did not what he was doing to me, so I told him that I had top go to the bathroom, and I went in, and locked the door. I was terrrorified, and no matter how much he pleaded quietly for me to come out, I didn't. This series of events always occurred the same way, and evey mornning he would act like nothing had happened. This went on for about three years. I often thought about telling my mom about what was going on, but I saw that SHE was happy, and after seeing her get so hurt by my bio dad, I did not want to destroy what she had with him (my step father), so I chose not to tell her so that she could be happy.
Into my 12th year, I started to enjoy his visits because he would get me off, and I was starting to not mind him forcing me to getting him off.
When I was 15 I remember telling my step dad that IF he kept this up, that I would become gay, he got angry with me, and told me not to say that.
My step father was a full blooded Italian, and was loud, and a very intimidating man.
My sexual abuse finally subsided when I was 16.
Later on, once in awhille he would force me again to have oral sex with him, and him on me.
About 15 years later my mom found out, By me telling her. My mom was dumb founded, and asked me if I thought that she should stay married to him. I told her that it was her life, and that no one should make that decision for her.
About 10 years ago, my mom, and step father asked me if I woulod house sit for them over a weekend. I should sure, and when I showed up at there house my mom was gone, but my step father was still there. He told me that he would be leaving shortly. He ended up intimidating me into having sex with him again.
After about 6 months after this I decided to call a family meeting. I had my brother laeve his wife at home, and had my sister leave her husbund, and children at home. For three long hours my step father attempted to convince everyone there that he had changed, and that he was not the same person that he was 15 years ago. I had heard enough, and given him plenty of time to come clean. He didn't, so I pointed to the chair where I had been sitting 6 months earlier when he had approached me, and again forced me to have sex with him, and said "I was sitting right there (still pointing at the chair) six months ago when you approached me again!!! So don't even try to defend yourself!!! At this point in time my younger brother who was just recently out of the Marine Core demanded three times to know if this was true. My step father finally said yes. That was it he was cast out of our family and everyone in the family was notified.
Love others, as you love yourself.