chronology of abuse:
1978ish witness parent fight bearly a year or two old.
fighting leads to divorce
1979, mom has custody for the summer
mom decides she doesn't want to take us back home
79-80 witness many drunken fights, abused at a party in the midst of drunken adults, some fights involve weapons, first taste of racism, ear infection due to neglect. Learn why mom doesn't want to take us back, My dad was abusing my sister, something I had little concept of at that age. Sister also tries to confide in me. Hellish winter ends as a new horrible day begins.
Spring 1980, woken up by mom calling from the other room. Sitting, smoking ciggarettes with her sister arguing. My aunt was trying to get her to stop having me around when they drink. My mom accuses me of snitching, or complaining. My aunt says if you love him you wouldn't let him stay around when you drink. She grabs me, yells, I love my son or something to that effect, and kisses me so hard it breaks my nose. I recall the sharp snapping sound of it breaking, and feeling my nostril all the way on the side of my cheek where it was never designed to be. Bleeding profusely, I hit the floor screaming. Eventually the bleeding stops. later my grandpa notices something wrong, and my mom and aunt start this story that I was attacked by the same white kids that harassed us that winter. She later tells me that she'd give me worse to cry about if I ever tried to get help. I'm told it can't be fixed, and I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life. If it could be, we couldn't afford it they said. My siblings buy into the lies my mom said. I tried once to say what happened, when she took me to the side and reminded me what would happen if I said anything.
good news: alone one day, I contemplated life, the worse that happened, considered suicide instead of a life of misery, but decided not to. It was bent, but didn't bleed all the time, so I decided to live with it under the no disclosure rule.
Summer 80, back in my dads custody. Life is already a lot better with out as many drunks around. He notices something different, and changed in me since he left me with her. 1/2 drunk himself, askes what wrong, what happened, etc, in a car ride, gushes about what happened to him with his mom, speeds, threatens to end it for the both of us, calms down, later forgets our talk, accept when drunk.
This display further convinces me to keep it quite.
1982, I can't believe it's been broke, and bleeding still after those years. I realize I am also a #, or age. In one excersise, I fail to count to a 100, because that is the life expectancy limit, and as I count I imagine each year of it bleeding, hurting, and me keeping the secret. I fail, and repeat 1st grade, begining my under-achievement at school.
1984 learn on my own about the abuse of my sister.
1989 my sister decides to break her silence, seek help, and possibly go after my dad. Approaches me, but I tell her I had already known. I take her side, and shot a big hole in my dads defense about her being brain washed, since I could attest to what she was saying.
1990 my dad kicks me out, to live with my mother, -worst nightmare comes true. Drunken, arguments, sleepless nights ensue.
good news: 1990 is about the year I beat my fight with fat which had grown to be a problem over about 4 years as I could only turn to food for support.
Although kicked out, my dads place was the last place I could run to when the arguments/fights started.
1993, my dad dies about the same time I find a church overcoming much turmoil. That (church) was kind of both good and bad news at the time.
I have often lamented not taking it slower in joining, given my situation.
1994, church isn't the place to turn to for help. No where to run to anymore, I lean to much on my sisters therapist who now I was the only one being seen. He isn't qualified to handle people in my situation, he over-reacts, and brands me bi-polar, recommends a juvie boarding institution instead of dropping out. -I give it a try secretly hoping someone would take a look at my nose, and fix it. The exam is general, brief, and it goes un-noticed. I graduate that defunked hole, with a permanant blot on my professional, social, and academic life.
1995, diploma in hand, after exhausting church, science, mental health, options, and ways of life I exile myself to live with my mom back in her remote home state, where I resign myself to perish. A year or 2 of floundering around, I decide to get serious and join the military. I check -no- for "do you have any broken bones", and the examining officer just about DQs me on the spot for lying on my application.
1997, slowly I start to come to grips with my memory I had supressed for so long.
1999, argument about what happened goes no where, I move back to the city/state I grew up in.
Thoughout the earlier years, also add in a lot of drunken, and otherwise stupid episodes.
I'm here now. I've stayed away from drugs, abusive behavior, but also social contact. There are so many things I don't know about. I'm active in my church again, and looking forward to a brighter future, but I long to get my nose fixed at last and put this chapter of my life to close. It pisses me off from time to time to think about what I missed growing up, and what I thought was normal. I also get the feeling like I've turned into someone that can be exploited easily, someone that is bound to be the target of incredulity. That is another support thread. I feel like that because I'm not like other people. I don't feel 'normal' a lot of the time. Last time I felt like I identified with someone/think aka 'normal' I was looking at a male abuse website. (before I clicked on this link).
Long story short, -I want to fix my nose, how do I do that?