I have always been too scared to join a discussion forum but for some reason the last few days i have been desperately searching the net and eventually found this site, and after reading a few stories and messages here am i taking the plunge.
I feel like i am looking for something at the moment and i can't understand what it is.
my bried story of abuse: i was first abused when i was nine years old by a shop assistant in a changing cabin and all i remember is the sheer panic rushing round inside me and yet i could not open my mouth to scream.
At 13 i was abused by a p-phile in the toilets of a public park. He was caught on the act and the police got involved. i was asked to make a statement which was just as bad as the abuse as i had to do this in front of my mother. The twist is that for reasons i don't know my parents decided to protect the p-phile, whithdrew the charges against him and told me the real abuser was the guy who came to my rescue, in my parents' words "he was a voyeuristic pervert". anyway that fucked me up on top of the abuse. (I have not seen my father for 23 years and my mother for 12 years and never will until they die). At that time i new i was gay and i associated been gay with being abused by p-philes, i have never been able to sustain a relationship and i am now 44 and have been single now for 10 years.
2 years after this episode, aged 15, i had a nersous breakdown and had to quit school. one day i managed to get the strength to go into town (i was so agaraphobic) and i had a panic attack and asked a lady passing by for her help; she took me to the nearest chemist. They put me in a back room and some old guy (the owner?) closed the door and abused me whilst i was still in a state of panic. i said nothing to my parents, obviously, as they would probably have taken his side??
sorry i can't stop writing....
in my late teens i have been raped three times (twice by men and once by a woman). i still hurt myself occasionally eventhough i am aware of what is going (this is one the reasons why i am writing to this site as i know that when i self-harm i need to get things out of my system in a better way).
Anyway, i have had years of therapy, one to one and groups, i have worked on a helpline for male survivors of sexual abuse, i have been on courses for counselling survivors, i am in AA and just over ten years sober and you know i still have periods when the abuse takes over my life and i feel so pissed off. it's almost like if i become a slave to the abuse and i have no rights.
it's funny because i have told my story in therapy and groups many times but i still feel a need to tell it now and again and each time i can make a bit more sense of the insanity of it all.
i am not sure how to finish this, so goodbye for now