My Parents had me and three girls. We we're all wards of the state. I'm not sure why. I wouldn't see my sisters until much later in life. I lived from one fostsre family to the next. The longest stay being probably about 6 months. Most always beat me for not doing my chores right or not doing well in school then, I would be sent back to the state, they would say that they couldn't handel me. I finally went to my case workers nephew when I was 8 I think. His name was Richard. He was nice to me, he bought me everything and then he started to abuse me. I was there at his house about a week or two and one night, he came in my room and told me he was the only one who loved me in the whole world. Said to me, didn't I prove that to you? I buy you anything you want, I don't hit you? While he was saysing this, he was pulling off my underwear. It was hot out and it was too hot to wear Pajamas. I slept in my underwear and my tee shirt. He took off the underwear and told me he just wanted to see how big I was getting. I thought he was looking to see how much I had grown since I got to live with him. ( This is so hard). I was a small boy for my age, Shorter than the kids at the DSS school I went to in Massachusetts ( The Gifford School). He started to take off his clothes and I remember thinking, does he want to see how much he grew too. That's when he took my hand and putt in on his penis. Told me to make it grow big. I didn't know what that ment but, I didn't like toching it. I some how knew it was wrong. I could feel something wasn't right about it. I was scared when it got bigger. I didn't know it was supposed to do that. I told him I broke it and he laughed. I don't remember much after that, I do remember him taking me to the bath after and I felt sick for some reason. I remember I couldn't think to well. I just wanted to go to sleep. I remember a little bit here and there of it happeneing over and over for a long time. I know I lived with Richard until I moved in with Dan and that was when I think I was 11 or 12. He live in a nice big house and was a big brother to boys. He would visit me on weekends and then one day took me home. He didn't buy me anything, he told me he was going to teach me to work for what I wanted or neede in life. I guess that was by abusing me. He would do what he wanted but, it was much harder and more violent than Richard. He would force me to blow him and that was something I never did before. That felt more wrong than anything. I had long blonde hair that everyone would comment on how, beautiful it was. Dan would grab a handful of it and force my head down to him. He only brought me to his room which was right across the hall from mine. I was happy I had my room to run to after. He never went in there. He used to have computer all over the house, he made them but, the public wasn't using them yet, he made them for companys and the military. I finally got away from Dan when I got my own job and went to court to be an emanciated minior. I was granted that request since I proved I could live on my own at age 16. I should have told the court and my worker what had been happening to me but, I was afraid that no one would believe me. They both told me that. Since Richard worked for the state DSS and Dan was a big wig with the goverment. I didn't open my mouth until I was 21 when, I told a DA in Cambridge what Richard did since Massachusetts was going after the state DSS department I had read for other abuses and mistakes. I went right to the DA after getting a copy of my DSS records. Most were blacked out. Richard is still in jail. he got 60 years. 3 more boys came forward when I told my story. The DA searched for more boys that were placed in his custady since his aunt seemed to be picking and choosing his boys. She was also charged but, I don't know what happened to her, I've forgotten. I only remember one other boys name ( Rusty) and I remember seeing him with Richard at his house. He would tell me that he brought a friend for me but, Rusty didn't stay with us and I never got to play with him. He was always in the bedroom with Richard. I think I remember him yelling a few times very loud. I just don't know. I do remember seeing Rusty crying coming from Richards room once or twice. I started living on my own in a beat up appartment in Woburn Massachusetts. The floors were all slanted and I had no furniture at all. It was still better than living with anyone. I'm 47 years old now and I have started therapy only to find out that I'm DID among other things. I started 9 years ago. The DA didn't think I needed therapy after the case on Richard was closed and the state stopped it. I finally was so depressed That 9 years ago, I went and looked for help myself, I didn't know why I felt such a strong need for sticking pins in my arm and burning myself. I don't remember doing most of it. I would just notice that I was a new mark, whole or burn and it would hurt. Sometiems I was still bleeding when I noticed it. I've had surgery for a ripped anis and piles twice. I have a good job now but, I'm very dyslexic. I'm sorry if my spelling is terrible. I've been self teaching school things like spelling and math wich scares me. I hate math. But, I've been trying to learn on my own since I was 32 when I kept being turned down for good jobs. The applications were no where near spelled right and My hand writing is very bad. I used to use cursive to cover up that I couldn't spell. Just mix all the letters together and you couldn't tell I couldn't spell, so I thought. I never abused alachole or drugs that I can remember but, I know I have to keep taking the medicine that I was perscribed. I'm not real sure that it helps. I know I'm a very depressed person I just try real hard not to show it. I fake being ahppy all the time. I don't want anyone to ask me about my depression. I know now, that I still black out. I end up in places that I know I didn't go to. I've never been married or had a girlfriend for more than a few days. I know it's because of the blackouts that I'm alone. It scares me, I can imagine what it does to other people that I meet. I know I'm no good for anyone and would only screw up their lives. I have a hard time just peeing for, I don't want to look at it or have to touch it to pee. It's disgusting to me. It doesn't do what I want it too. With Richard and Dan and Dan's friends, it got bigger and I didn't want it to do that. It does it in the morning when I wake up too and that makes me mad. I flick it now so it won't be big. I'm tired now and I need to go to sleep.