Hi guys, well I'v been here for a few years now, and well throught its was about time. Well here it is, in the best way i cud! Its not by far the whole accont, but its a good start!
Some days are good, but most days are bad. I guess Iíll start at the beginning! I was 7yo when it first stated. He was just a neighbor who lived on the same street. Some one who used to throw the ball back when it went across the road. A friendly giant. I cant remember how I ended up in his house that day, All I know was that I did. We where playing games, and just normal stuff. Then I he we started to Play Fight, Him tickling me, making me squirm around the floor, as he slowly started to strip me as we did. Stupid really I did think much about it back then, losing a shoe, a sock, T-shirt, Trousers. I guess we stopped at some point, and went to watch TV. I was sitting on his lap, still only in my underpants. When his hands started to rub me, stoke my legs, moving up them placing his hands into my pants, to touch me. I looked at him, and he said it was a new game, one that only big boys could play. He talked some more bullshit, while still fonderling me. I was frozen. I didnít know what to do. I didnít understand what he was saying. I just kept looking at him. I donít know what happened after that. But that was the first time, and the beginning of my 9yr nightmare.
Over the years the abuse became more frequent, By the time I was 8yo he was all ready fucking me, making me Suck him. The pain of each rape is the only thing that is still clear in my head. Some of them I can remember, most are still buried with all the other shit that happened. It was about this time he had made some new friends. Some dangerous friends. To which I was his key into their little club. It stopped being just me and him, The games became more interests. And the odds had been risen. Over the next few years I was thrown into the world of ChildPorn. Having pictures of me taken, some times with other kids, some time with other Men, other times on my own. The shit I did during them years I am ashamed of. The guilt of my actions eat me up. And all the ďIts not your faultĒ Cant help me, I still feel there could have been something I could of done. I was forced to perform with other kids, some older, others younger. Being watched and filmed by some really sick fucks who got off on this shit. How? How could anyone find that type of shitÖ.Err I donít even want to think about thatÖ..
[Got to stop here, I cant see throu the tears.]
By the time I got into secondary school, I had already turned into a very quite, shy, ashamed child. I was 11 did make any new friends. There where one or two other kids that I hung around with at school. But I was a loner, preferred my own company, sat at the back of the classroom, kept my self to my self. Tried to become invisible, and it worked. I didnít want anyone to know what was happening to me. By this time HE was taking me to these parties where they would pass me around like some sort of toy, for other sick fucks to use. And I had started to enjoy it, enjoyed being used, I had become brainwashed some how into thinking that this was ok, that this is what I like. I started believing his lies, That he loved me, and would not hurt me. Fucking Bastard! Some of these guys just didnít even want sex, they just liked beating up little kids. Hurting them. Bruised and Battered, I coved for these sick fucks by lying to the ones that really did love me, my parents. Saying I got into a fight at school, or on the way home. I cant tell you how many days I bunked off. Just sat in the woods crying to my self. I had started Drinking I was only about 12 but I already found that the Alcohol would allow me to forget, to num the pain just enough for me to last the day. I would regiously bunk off P.E. I hated it. They used to make us play football, I never saw the point of kicking a ball around a pitch and then into the back of the net! Pointless shit game!
As time went on, I started to stay with HIM more and more. Used to come home from school and go straight to his. Stay there for a few hours. Letting him have his fun with me, before going home. More Lies where told and believed. My grades at school where shit. Many Dís or Eís. but at least I want failing so I was over looked. The school knew I was Dyslexic, and so I had one hour a week special needs help. Which is kind of helpful with the work, but was not what I needed!! During the day I was Elliot the school boy, at night Elliot the used, the photographed, the beaten, the guiltily. Not knowing what to do anymore I went along with everything, thing that this was all normal. By 14 I had discover Weed. And was using it daily, and still drinking. He use to be able to get it for me, the weed, the drink, and it kept me coming back to him.
Then the horse play at school started, you know the usual shit, ďyour gayĒ - ďyou sux dickĒ and so on. Everyone else just brushed it off, like the joke it was, but for me, it stuck and hurt as it was true.
When I was 15 coming back from school all ready to go over to his house like I did ever day before that, but there where police and taped off area at the end of the street. There had been some sort of car crash and he was dead. DEAD! But By that time I was so into his lies that I loved him, I cried for days, It was like losing a dad. Even thou my real dad was still alive. I guess I was very fucked up. This was the man that had taken my sole and burnt it. Had stolen my innocents, had destroyed my whole fucking childhood, and I was sad that he was gone. That I wanted him back! Looking back its just so fucked up! During the week his so called M8ís the ones that usually helped him take the pictures and stuff came over to help clean the house. They saw me, and called me over, and like a fool I went over. At first they where all hugging me, and shit, pretending they cared about how I felt. Then they started the touching, and before to long they where fucking me. And then again after the funeral, during the wake. Then they where gone. A week passed I for the first week I could remember I hadnít been fucked, Touched, or had some Fuckers dick in my mouth. It slowly dawned on me that I was free that I was out of it, that the nightmare was over. I even managed to get me a girlfriend. Fuck! She thought I was cute. We where together for a few months, before it all went to tits up. Weeks turned to months, I had turned 16, and for the first time in may years my presents didnít include having to sux him off, and being fucked. I kept waiting for it to happen, waiting for him to come in, and call me over to his place so he could give me my GIFT! A few more months went by, and then it happened again, The fucked heads Friends came back. Looking for me, and they found me. It wasnít long before they started to meet me weekly for a quick session. This went on for two months maybe more. Then they where gone again. Gone for good!! I stated to take different routs home. Just incase they ever did try to come back.
Now Iím 20, nearly 21. And struggling to fine me. I pretend to be something Iím not. I guess I still living a lie, just a different kind of lie, this time. No one knows the real me. Not even me, I donít think! I still use Drugs to relaxed, and still drink to forget. Trying to work my way through uni at the mo. But in a catch 22 situation, where I have to work to be able to afford to stay in uni, but cant do my uni work as I am working all the time. So its still all fucked up. Iíve become an insomniac, scared to climb into bed, knowing that when I do the demons will come back, will hunt me. Will eat me whole and then just spit back the bones. Every night the nightmares come. The abuse goes on in my head and there is nothing I can do, but to open another can or bottle, and light up a Spliff.
Not sure if this is any good. Just needed to clear my head.
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!
DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!