ok im going to try this 1 more time. i wrote this out last night, and i forgot toput something in the subject line and poof it was gone, no hitting the back button to add one , nothing gustpoof gone. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i was so pissed..... oh well i'll try this again. if it messes up again i guess no one here will ever know.

i was abused as far back as i can remember, and the earliest memory i have is of being abused at age 5-6. i was just figuring out what was happening to me wasnt "normal",something i always though it was. one of the things that helped me realize that this wasnt "normal" was how my parents reacted to a sistuation that happened to me. after a few days dwealing on it i decided to tell my parents what was going on with me. heres what happened to make me decided to tell them.

we lived on the corner of the block, my friend live up he block from us and i was comming home from her house. as i walked towards home i kept feeling like i was being watched, so i turned around and there was this stranger, he was fallowing me. i just stood there and stared at him,he walked around me and down towards my house. i kept watching him as he walked away and kept motioning for me to fallow him. as he got infront of my house i noticed there was a strtrange car parked on the corner by mt house. he walked to it and stood infront of it, still motioning for me to fallow him and rubing allo over his groin area. i started walking towards my house, however he thought i was coming to him like he was motioning me to do. the closer i got to my house the more he undressed his lower half and strarted fondling himself infront of me. i ran into my house and went to tell my parents what was happening. all i got out was a strange man was falowwing me and motioning for me to fallow him and they ran out of the house looking for him. they found no one.

a few days went by and i built up there nerve to tell my parents what was going on, i decided as soon as i got home from school(a baptist school) i was going to tell them everything. as i walked in the door i found my parents in a great mood, they informed me we was going camping and was alll excited about it, i was scared to death because that is when one of my abusers would abuse me. my parents always went camping with there best friend, and there 17-19 yr old son was one of my perps. i hated going camping with them. i didnt want to put them in a bad mood so i decided to tell them we got back, but i didnt want him to mess with me either, so i asked my parents if one of my friends could come with us, ,thinking he surely wouldnt mess with me then. boy was i wrong. they said yes and we went camping. the 1st avalable time he could he carted me off and did his thing , then he told me to get my friend to do the same things, he wanted to try her, he wanted fresh meat. i said no i wasnt going to dare let her go threw what i was going threw.
finaly the camping trip of 3 long days was over and we dropped my friend off at home then returned to our house. oppon walking in the door the phone was already ringing. it was my friends parents, they wanted to get his parents phone #. they breafly told my parents what happened and they gave them the #. a few min later we got a call from his parents. it didnt last long. i ws so scared casue he had gotten to her with out me knowing about it and i didnt want that to happen i was trying my best to protect her. but when i found out he had and what her parents was doing i was relieved at the same time cause i knew i had my chance of telling my parents now.

after hanging up the phone with is parents i was 20 question and the more i was questioned the scareder i got something wasnt right. the next thing i remember was sitting on the kitchen floor in front of the frig. with my knees pulled up to my chest crying, i couldnt believe my ears. my parents was tellingme it was all my fault, that i was a whore a slute and i was going to hell. i didnt dare tell them the rest of the story, i didnt dare tell them that at the same time he was molestingme that our next door neightbor the cop was molesting me and how he would have me playwith his worm and the other things he would do to me. i dare not tell them about the brother and sister college kids across the street that during the summer when they was home from collage and they would have them watch me , how they would make me hang by my hands on the scortching hot metal swing set till my arms hurt so bad i cried and my hands was blistered . how after that they would take hot candle wax and pout over my blistered palms and wouldnt allow me to scream or cry in pain orthey would just rip the cold wax off and pour more hot onto them till i wouldnt make a sound. how after that they would take me upstairs to there attic and "play house or doctor"and i would have to tend to there every sick and perverted needs. then they would pour more hot wax over my private parts still not allowing me to scream or cry or they would do it again. no i dare not say a thing, i had t keep it to myself, just like with there friends son who continued to abuse me as well.
about a year or 2 later we moved away and i was happy. by this time i kept to myself and would just sit in the woods and keep to myself, trying to forget everything that happened to me.

when i was 10 or 11 i fell in love with my first crush, he was in high school nd he shortly took advantage of me to, i thought that sex = love so i let him do what ever he wanted and i did things then that no child that age should go threw. that went on till i was 16.

when i met my husband james i thought i was over it all, thought i could now stick up for my self. my mom and step dad kicked me out of the house in a town i had only lived in for about a month and a half. i knew only 6people. they moved clear across the united states and left me there.

after being with my husband for 7-8 yrs we was at a "holy man's" house helping them out. while we was in the building doingsomework, my husband went to go help his wife and our kids do something. at that point this "holy man" told me that he had been praying and that God gave himan answer. that he was to take a lover, ,and that person was to be me. i ws in shock, at the same time he was telling me this he reached out and started to fondle my breasts. here i was an adult and i couldnt move, i was frozen, like a deer caught in the headlights of an on comming car. i knew what he was doing, i could here myself screaming for him to stop inside, but nothing, nothing came out. he heard james comming and stoped and moved back. i just sat there for a moment not knowing what to do and knowing even if i did i couldnt do it. finaly i unfroze just enough to gt up and wlk out with out saying a word. james fallowed me out a few minutes later and asked me what was wrong. i told him in a voice of a child. we grabed our children and left. never to return.i felt so humiliated i just knew that i could take care of my self now and when something did hapen i just froze.

i always knew that there was more to my story, but just didnt know what it was. i was to young to rememberor so i thought. just 2 months ago i remebered that my grandfather that i lost at the age of 7-8 molested me. this was a man that i thought was the best person in the world. now , now i am learning he was not. that he was doing things to me a an age youger than what i 1st remebered the other molesters doing to me.

i have allways had this scare on my throat that looks like i had at one time a treak tube (spelling)in my throat, but my parents says i never had one. i have always wondered where i came from and it was often a topic of decution between james and i. about 6-7 months ago i finaly remebered where i got it. the 2 collage kids used a dagger on me at one time to keep me quiet.

i also have always freaked out when someone would comeup behind me and cover my mouth and nose and / or eyes. i never knew why, but at the same time i remebered about the dagger i remebered how the collage kids would hold my nose and mouth closed at times to wher i would almost black out.

i had always figured/ known there wasmore to my abuse, but i never knew whatit was, i am still learning. i now know that my little brain was doing the best it could to protect me and in that it was blocking things out, keeping me from remebering. now that i am older and trying to dealwith my issues i gues it is letting me know more nd more what happened little bits at a time. but the factof the matter is i dont think i wantto know, i dont want to know that the man i admired and loved and lost ws hurtting me. i dont want to know that there are more thingsi dontknow and that they will just pop at anytime they please. i wnat them to remain hidden, its to scarey to deal with.
now i have a new one. im not sure what it is, and if i remebermore of it i dont know if i want to accept it, just like i dont want to accept what my grandfather did. now the new one is i "think" i remember that my father used to snak in my room when i was turning into a young woman and watch me as i slept. im not sure if this is true or not, but i just have this deep gut feeling that it happened and i dont wantto believe it.

afewyears back i tried to tell my parents once again what all happened to me, just not in detail, just that i was sexualy abused and by who, they didnt believe me then, and i know they still dont believe me now. but one thing i do know for sertain is that i am NOT going to hell for what happened to me and im not a slut or a whore. what happened to me was not my fault, and it never will be.

i learned to disasociate my self from it when i talkabout it , like i am now, but i know that i have to stop doing it. i just dont know if i truely want to. why cant i just sweep it under the rug like so many other people did in my life?

well thats my story, hope is doesnt get errased again.


always be true to your self and your heart.
dont forget to love yourself 1st, then the restwill fall into place.