This is a long one brother wolves

On the road of life I have found many truths and many lies. I am sure like many of you I have asked
questions that cannot be answered by me. I have asked, "is their a god," "why did he let me be abused?"
and "is their really any point to life." I feel that being able to questions is what makes us human and to
ask questions that are unanswerable allows our minds to freely work.

First off my about my self. These so called great insights of mine come from a troubled past. A child-
hood is something's I have no memory of sadly. These last months I have been dealing with my abuse for
the first time. I am the only child of my parents, I was born in Washington State and raised their.

By all accounts my life was a great. Good parents, loving extended family, great home, and of course all
the pets I could every want. Why do I know this was not true though? My parents both had insistent relationship
with me. (I found this to be true from the book Silently seduced by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph. D)

My own abuse started along time ago. Right now I am unsure of when it really started. Right now I have
memories of being sexually abused by my cousins. I also do feel that I was abused by a female babysitter.
Their where allot of times that me and lots of other male friends/cousins would be doing boys will be boys

Why do people think that " boys will be boys" shit means it is only having fun and not rape? I will admit
that at times I did have sex because I wanted to with another cousin. When I was 12 or so I was being abused
every summer and school break when I would goto the family farm. I feel that my abuse started when I was four
or five. I was sucking/ being fucked by older cousins when I was six.

How many of my family members walked in on me being abused? I know that one of my aunts did walk in
and she just turned around and walked back out the door. No one in my family every talks about it or even
thinks about it, so why do I? Cause am so very fucked up because someone need to rob me of my childhood.

I am afraid to be alone even though I hate most people. I cannot make love you my wife. Afraid of the dark as
little kid is. Have to run from the bathroom's in public. I have no sexual id. I become a work alcoholic, or porn
alcoholic, or lazzyacholic, eat all the time, don't eat at all. Almost cry every time I am in trouble at work just
like a little kid does. This is why I need to talk about my past so I will.

I have sadly done allot of stupid things in my short life time. I remember hiding in the hay loft with my cousins.
Going through the trash and pulling lots of bottles of wine,beer,what every we could get our hands on. Mixing it
and drinking it all getting shit faced at 9, what a good childhood. I use to smoke weed all the time when every I
could get my hands on it. I had to watch porn all the time and masturbate at least six times a day when I was 12
just so I could feel good about my self. The list goes on and on of how terrible I a person I am.

I have changed allot of things about my self these last couple of months here at M.S. The reason that I came here
was because I was having stomach problems. I had to go into to see a doctor cause it hurt bad and I was bleeding
allot. I went in for a colonspony and another opt that had a cam going down my throat. It was found that I have bleeding
ulcers. It was also found that I had been abused because my anus had allot of scary tissue and allot of older scary in
my stomach. I do allot of worrying and so my stomach is that of a six year old man's. After the tests where all over with
the doctor asked me if I had been abused. I felt so ashamed that I hung my head and said yes. I was not able to talk
to the doctor and I have not seen him since. I cried the way home and the rest of the day.

Why was I so ashamed. what did I do wrong? That is one of the reasons I came to M.S. I have found answers to my past
here, but I am still left asking why? The man who has changed my life the most in these last couple of months is Gunnar.
Sadly he will never know hoc much I miss and love him. The best way for me to honor him is by getting back up on the road
and keep working on my healing. So my gift and honor to you Gunnar is my life. I will live every day at peace and I will play
as a child in honor of our lost childhood. I only wish I knew the words to express how much you have helped me my lost brother.

These last couple of months I have had feelings. I have not felt anything in years. I am scarred of the things I do feel, but I
am finding my self. Who is Nathan? I am not sure yet but with the love and support I get from my wife Vicki and you guys
my brothers I will find out in time.

My parents where always naked in front of me during the summer. Be it them sitting in the sun. in the spa or pool, taking outdoor
showers, swimming in the ocean, what every. This bothers me a great deal now, but back then I am not sure what I though of it.
I am afraid to be seen by anyone naked even my own wife.

For the longest time I was dealing with my abuse by being a rape crisis counselor and a volunteer advocate for child/teen in need.
I could help them start to heal but I could not even help my self. I do feel that my abuse has given me this need to help people.
I loved being and advocate but that was taken from me, but I am not willing to talk about it right now, and for the few people on
the board that I did talk to about it when I broke down in Washington I thank you for listening and keeping it to your self's. I feel
safe here and loved this is a very new feeling to me, I love you guys.

I have always had bad luck with women tell I meet my wife. Out of the four girls that I dated in high school two turned into stalkers,
one wanted (and still wants) me to play daddy to her child, and the other turn out to be gay. I have never been with a man, but I do
masturbate allot to gay porn and live a straight life. I do think that my life right now is a lie, but I am having fun for the first time in years.
so if It is a lie am not willing to let go of it yet.

People at work think I am so nice and easy to talk to. They all think am their friend, but deep down I don't give a shit about any of them.
Fun isn't it am though of as a friendly guy and I hate everyone I work with lol. Boss' think of me as a great employee cause I am always
willing to work over time and do what every they ask of me. I only do this cause I am afraid not to have their respect. When I get in trouble
I act like a child in trouble and think that my boss will not talk to me every again. At times I do act like a child and a wise old man. Two
different people at times but in the end they are both me. At night both of these people howl at the same moon that my brother wolves howl

Thanks for taking the time to read about my life. I hope it does help you understand me better.

Lots of love form young wolf pup, Nathan