First, I wish to thank everyone for the warm welcome I received from my
That old saying, ď the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single stepĒ
couldnít be more true. This is my first step. My emotions are being stirred
as Iím writing this. Thinking back, when memories over the years would
surface I would just suppress it, just push it back down into the shadows.
But once brought out into the light confronting compassion, understanding,
the determination to face this thing, this shame, this feeling of unworthiness
that has become part of my existence, in time can be healed .
Please forgive me if I tend to be a little dramatic, but itís how I tend to express
myself and what happened to me. The important thing here is my honesty to
the group, myself, and those that love me.
With the hope that it not only help me, but others who are looking for healing
as well. I was first abused when I was about nine or ten years old by an uncle
who used to sleep over once in a while. While I canít or wonít remember how
many times it happened, In my minds eye I can remember one of those times
just lying there in bed with my head facing away toward the wall while he
As young as I was, this sick feeling come over me as he moved his hand
over my body. I lay there frozen, not understanding what was really
happening . I just knew something was wrong, and I didnít know what to do.
As I got older, I forced myself not to think about it, which only made it grow
inside me. I was like a puppet at times just reacting . I felt angry, insecure,
inadequate, sexually confused. Again, I suppressed it.
Once I started going out with girls, most of the time I wasnít as nice as I should
have been. I never struck them, but I was just verbally mean. I found that I
couldnít be loving or kind most of the time. I would get to a certain point, and
I would go no further. It was difficult to show and receive affection.
I remember being just very angry, getting drunk a lot, driving drunk. I thank
God I didnít kill anyone. I just didnít have any confidence in myself. Looking
back I know I had a lot of potential, as we all do, but I felt like I couldnít do
things. Others could, but not me. After I was married, not realizing the
connection, Intimacy was a problem. I had a difficult time expressing my love
to my wife. We had sex, but we didnít make love, at least I didnít. I didnít
know how to share my feelings with her. I felt like I had to perform. My
parents had a communication problem most of the years they were married.
Considering the dysfunctional family my father came from, itís a wonder he
turned out to be a decent man. His problem, as was picked up by me growing
up was his anger. He would get into a conversation with my mother that would
go bad. My mother didnít know when to keep quiet. My mother had a
problem with depression from time to time as well.
She would go on and on and my father would say enough already. It got to a
point he would just blow up and throw things, much like I did in my marriage.
I can remember being in bed and putting the pillow over my head to try to
drown out the yelling. After almost ten years of being married, my eyes
started wandering. I had my first affair with a woman I met on a train.
There were numerous women after that, some of which told me they wanted a
relationship, even knowing I was married. I couldnít stop myself. I lied with a
straight face to my wife more times than I care to remember. She may have
had an idea, but she never made it known if she did,
The affairs were spread out over years. But I never cared for most of them, I
got what I could and that was it. I wasnít outwardly hurtful in any way. All I
wanted was the sex. I kept trying to prove something. I wanted to be open with
my feelings, but I wasnít capable of it with my wife. This is how I spent my
I became an adulterer and a liar. I couldnít relate my actions to what
happened to me, at least not at that point in time.
I went in and out of depression. Good days, bad days.
My wife wasnít assertive enough to confront me head on as to the problems
we were having. She mentioned a marriage councilor at one point, but I
refused. So we just lived like all was well. But we knew differently. Our kids
were small and I couldnít bring myself to leave her.
It became an untreated disease which got worse over time. Years passed, we
moved out of state to attempt a business and kind of a new start. That failed
within two years. We sold a home we worked hard to get. That along with
other savings were wiped out. So it was like starting out all over again.
Even then, I wandered several times with other women. Itís like I was
searching for some kind of instant gratification. Thatís all it was, an instant. I
stayed there for about ten years working jobs here and there. Never being
able to make enough money. At times my wife was working two to three jobs .
About 1998 I said I was going back to N.Y. to get back into construction.
We both knew that was the end of it. I went back and with no money to speak
of stayed with my mother and slept on her couch. I met a girl who was about
twenty five years younger than me. I took her out to dinner and thatís where
I never told her about what happened to me. After awhile I got my own
apartment, and some weekends we would stay there. Other times we would go
to her place. I should make it clear that this is in no way any kind of bragging
on my part. This is a very pathetic, sad situation. I wasnít doing myself any
good by continuing with this lifestyle, but itís all I knew to do.
I have to say that I did have feelings for her, and I know she did for me as well.
The age difference didnít matter to her. But it did for me. At times I wanted to
break it off, but I didnít. In retrospect, I think all my life I was searching for
some kind of nurturing that I didnít get as a child.
Eventually, I sabotaged that relationship and hurt her very deeply.
I know my parents loved me, but they never gave me a hug and told me so.
Growing up I never felt that love, that kind of emotional security that a child
needs. I really feel that, along with getting some smacks from my father
growing up, it broke my spirit. Iíve started many things in my life that I never
In the process of trying something, I would encounter some kind of problem or
barrier and that blew me out of the water. I lacked the self confidence in
myself to keep going. I became a self defeatist at a young age. Itís a fantasy
for anyone to believe that this will just go away in time, it doesnít. All it does is
spread the contamination to others.
There were times when I would tell myself that I was okay. I could lie to myself
pretty good too. Thatís one thing I learned to do very well. Itís sad what
happens and who we hurt, when we ď practice to deceiveĒ
Iím slowly learning that there are many facets to abuse.
I consider myself fortunate to have had someone who loved me enough,
someone who somehow related my behavior to an abuse experience. She was
another woman I met and got involved with. One day she just asked me if I
was ever sexually abused. I was caught completely off guard, no time to think,
I broke down and said yes. It was by far the most difficult thing Iíve ever done
in my life. I kept saying please donít do this to me. I donít want to talk about
it. Our relationship was on and off for some time. But she mattered more to
me than anyone ever had before.
After a while I hurt her deeply too. But being the loving, unselfish human
being she is, she encouraged me to talk to someone, to release it. She found this
web site for me.
Abused men and women live their whole lives and die with those experiences
not being dealt with. So many lives and relationships could be saved if we
would allow those feelings to surface and let healing take place.
That boys and girls is where Iím at. Iím shortly going to talk to a therapist and
get this show on the road. Life is to short to let these evil experiences do their
damage in us, and others.
As painful or hard as it is, I have to talk about it, if only for my own sanity. I
would encourage anyone to get help. If I can, anyone can.
Iím sure there are many that suffered much more than I have. But dig deep
and take that first step. This web site and the brothers and sisters on it are a
God send. Iíve related what happened to me as best I could. There are a lot of
empty spots here and there, but I think in time it will be okay.
This site is an oasis, a resting place, where we can find solace. I choose to end
this post with hope, forgiveness toward my uncle, my parents, and to reach the
point in my life where I can talk about this openly without feeling ashamed,
and to ultimately not only be able to receive love, but to freely and unselfishly
return it. May we all conquer that turmoil within.
Thank you Ann