this post ma trigger

when i was about 5 years old the older neighbor boy i played with took me behind the grage of the house i lived in and had anal sex with me a neighbor saw this and called my dad and he came and took me off the boy and beat him all the way to his house nothing was ever said to me about it again. then when i was about 9 or 10 another neighbor boy who was about 16 or 17 found out i had a key to my house and convinced me to take him in the hous and into my bed room. the frist time he made me masterbate him and he did the same to me and that was it that happened a couple of times then he wanted more he made me have oral sex with him and wanted me to swollow but i couldnt and i spit it out he got dressed and left and i washed my mouth out and went outside and played in the back yard. then the next time he had me lay on the bed on my belly and he spred my butt cheeks and spit on my butt and he had alal sex with me and i screemed and he told me not screem but i kept screeming but no one could hear me then he stoped and made have oral sex with him and i started to spit and he held his hand over my mouth and nose and told me to swollow i had to i couldnt breath. he told me that if i ever told nay one that he would kill me. that was it for awile when we were about to move out of town he got me back to my room and he told me to take my cloths off and i told him no and he pulled out this big pocket knife and held it to my throat and told me to get undressed or he would kill me so i did i didnt want to die and he raped me with a knife to my throat i didnt screem or say a word the whole time and when he was done he told me again that if i told any one that he would kill me and he left and i layed there and cryied for a while. the got dressed and went and played in the yard and wated for my mother to get home. i never told any one until i told my wife when i was about 25. my mother was no kind of mother either she never had a good word to say about anybody evean me when i was about 4 or 5 i had a mosquito bite on the head of my penis and she made me show everyont that came to our house or when we went to there house she always made sexual comments about me to her friends when i got older but that was the extent that i know of. after the abuse from the neighbor boy stopped i started masterbating daily and the when i was about 12 i foud porn and i was hooked i masterbated to porn non stop untill i was married when i got married and 21 i stoped for 6 month to a year it was gerat then somthing happened that i went back to it i masterbated daily to porn and then i found phone sex and that stuff i couldnt stop that went on for about 6 years the phone bills were horriable when i was forced to stop because of number blocks on the phone then i just used porn mags and i was up to masterbating about 3to 5 times a day and not having sex with my wife i always told her i was tired and she knew that wasnt true. then about 6 years ago i found hookers and went 4 times but i stoped because i couldnt afford it and stuck with the porn and masterbating then about 1 year ago i crossed the line with om=ne of my daughters friends. my daughter was 19 and she wanted to have a party at the house and i had been drinking and i said ok and went and bought achole for them and some for my self i drank a 5th of so co and passes out in bed and woke to find my daughters19 year old friend ridding me and i told her to stop and she did and was kinda pissed she got dressed and went to another room i was charged with assult with intent to commit sex assult i pled to the charges and went to jail for 24 days a slap on the hand towhat it could have been i hurt alot of people that night. my wife moved out shortly after i told her we still live appart. my wife is also a sa survivor and understands where all the masterbating comes from. but she has alot of anger and rage and hate towards me for crossing the line. im in therapy and attent a sex addics annomus group. i want to help her with her issues about me crossing the line to perp any sugestions would be helpful.

thank you