Well, so there I was, working in grassroots activism and in Core Energetics therapy under the influence of post-traumatic stress, and trusting in a higher power.
May this account provide helpful hints and useful associations to the wonderful world of healing and learning. Failure is not a solution.
Illness is not a reason to forget the pain inflicted on you by those you trusted. Heal. Succeed. Connect.
Another Twelve-step group came to my attention around that time, SIA, or Survivors of Incest Anonymous (and Sexual Abuse), and Survivors of Ritual Abuse. I checked them both out, and felt right at home in the both of them, even though I only knew about this one event, it was taking its toll. It was not a feeling that was going away soon.
I remember being at my first SRA meeting and sharing about the psychedelic visualizations that had appeared, and feeling a hot flash come over me. Something was happening, all right.
While working in grassroots activism, the balance of pay and hours was not all that rewarding, so that I soon left. I served coffee for a few weeks, before getting fired. I still harbored rage in disoriented consciousness, and low brow power thugs on the job triggered it on one occasion. A friend soon told me about a position in the mailroom of a bank. I don't recall exactly how I portrayed myself, but I remember feeling pretty clouded. It didn't matter and I got the job. Thus did everything escalate. Another friend soon moved out of one apartment, and invited me in. The whole thing worked for a while, and I even began to feel stability returning. I had been through a relationship already in the stressed state. It had ended in some big lies/infidelities by this girl, one about sodomy and multiple partners, another about drugs, partying, and an ex-boyfriend, and finally one about a millionaire. She also expressed the belief at one point that parent-child sex didn't seem wrong to her. It became clear that there was more going on than she seemed to understand. There was also an incident of physical violence when she attacked me. All I tried to do was keep up the therapy and self-improvement.
So, now in the mailroom and broken up with the lying girl, I was feeling some restoration of sanity. Attending codependent recovery again regularly, I was working with a lawyer and motorcycle rider as a sponsor, and started dating an artist. I had left the Core Energetics group at some point, and then sought a session with a CSW hypnotherapist. She was encouraging, but also costly, and referred me to someone less so. The referral was a sweet woman CSW, too, with similar training.
I was also studying Judo. It happened that this was preparing me for another recollection. Previous to my first recollection, in fact, another bit of preparation that I had been informed of was of Freud's and Reich's case studies. In Reich's work, he talked about a voyeur/flasher he treated. It can be fun to read Reich, who really wrangles with his patients. Reich's flasher's resistance gradually gave way to family of origin issues with his mother and father, involving what might be called at least boundary violations. Working through these, his motivations were transformed into artistic ones, and he became a photographer. Another one involved a schizophrenic girl who had carved a cross in her chest and experienced things like religious imagery. Through talking about the issues and breathing, she achieved the ability to cope with the world enough independently. Freud had conducted therapy before 1900 using hypnosis, talk, and a touch to the forehead. It was there that he had traced psychosomatic symptoms to past trauma and often, seduction. There was even a phenomena he identified as psychic association, memories linked and similar in kind to another deeper, more traumatic one. These can substitute for the deeper one, which itself may not surface.
Now, about a year and a half after the original memory clip in Feb 1994, something else came up. With me feeling pretty strong now in a mailroom capacity, there was construction going on one day. Rolling the mail cart that morning, some construction guys passed me at some point, so that I had to press up against the wall. A strange feeling overcame me, and got me thinking while still carrying on with work. At lunch, returning to the World Financial Center building in the shadow of the World Trade Center Towers, a depressed feeling now appeared. Sitting down, I relaxed. In a few moments, another memory clip event happened. This one involved several images from different events in my life. The memory train began with what looked like a hand pasted on a brick wall. It was followed by a memory of a dog sinking its tooth behind my ear when I was 5 or younger, then an argument with a blonde haired child who lived in the neighborhood. Then, from a few years later when we had moved to another neighborhood, when visiting a park in another community. A strange boy who had harrassed us some made a leaping kick at me as the group of us prepared to leave, my mother, brother, and neighborhood friend. There was also an image in there of a bicycle that had been stolen while my family was living in the neighborhood where I was born.
Taken all together, these images present a cogent figurative picture. They suggest an violent attack and probably molestation event, in all likelihood involving sodomy.
Well, there you have it. Boy, am I bushed. I've been at this all day. Let me leave it at that for the time being, except to say, I am experiencing a persistent sense of insecurity and instability triggered by the patterns of projection and denial at my job and close relationships. I'm wondering exactly where all this will lead, since I'm feeling somewhat destabilized again. It's frustrating after all this time. During my brother's visit recently,
I tried to leverage the issue into the conversation to demystify it, and create greater legitimacy. He resisted it aggressively, which I addressed with some assertive belligerence of my own. People are getting away with murder. No matter how cool or fun someone seems to be, I definitely notice how the issue of perpetrators and abuse sets the mice from the men, the children from the adults. Then, it motivated me to look for a website like this. Look what I found.
Following that, I just had a session with a therapist I had started seeing a few weeks back, and brought this issue to the forefront. Fortunately he has had enough experience to respond effectively, which allowed me to really talk about some satisfying stuff. Thing was, though, even he seems cynical about the notion that an champion of abuse type of attitude can be successfully carried in the real world. Cynicism is the status quo, I can see. Yet, that's not for me. Makes me want to find religion.
I also came up with these little upgraded witticisms: Incest is best, addressed. and There's a sucker born every minute. Uh, sorry, did I say sucker? I meant seeker.
As far as I can tell, this means war. Of course, the law is on our side. Best wishes for success. Thanks again, and may prosperity and wisdom be your constant companion, as you rely on them. Live and learn. Love conquers all. Reading is fundamental.