I'm a little surprised that there aren't more stories in this category. Ah, well, it isn't exactly tales of having succeeded in professional and creative pursuits. They can be painful stories to tell, and having respect for them can take time and effort to develop, grow, and learn. Even this much hasn't been easy to tell.
My first desire is to do this in the spirit of cultivating clarity, and successful attitudes of living. Allow me, then, to begin by conjuring images of successful stories in overcoming hardships, if not actual role models for handling these issues. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson is among the most prominent. More inspiring is Oprah Winfrey. US Presidents like Gerald Ford, an orphan, Franklin Roosevelt, a polio survivor, and Abraham Lincoln, born in a one room log cabin. Fictionally, the Horatio Alger stories were meant to inspire the people of America, and the world.
In the Bible, there are the stories of Isaac, son of Abraham, almost sacrificed for the sake of obedience to God, then Joseph, thrown in a well by his brothers and sold into slavery, and Moses, left to float down the river in the care of God. These are stories of trials and tribulations where people suffered, and then succeeded. The Buddha uses an image of a lotus flower growing out of the rubbish.
My current experience finds me employed, married, though somewhat solitary, as my efforts continue to address lingering emotional conflicts after years of awareness and therapeutic modalities.
My abuse story built up gradually. Fortunately, my father's interest in therapy and study helped orient me to study, and exposed me to psychology before college. I was aware of my own feelings of anxiety in relationships, particularly with women, already in high school.
A little therapy, and a growing interest in self-development perspectives started me growing and having important insights throughout my college years, and afterward. This awareness lead me into the social services profession, and into the Twelve Step groups. A break up with a girl released repressed pain and instability that I experienced as despair. Knowing about the Twelve Step groups, my sensibility guided me into codependent recovery. There the Twelve Step therapy includes issues of control and surrender, cognitive therapy tools and emotional awareness. Workshops in meditation, volunteering for social justice causes, and other forms of attitudinal healing were also helpful as I sought, in the calm of retrospect, to find a sense of empowerment, competence, and connection.
With all this groundwork, the spiritual and psychological encouragement to "follow your bliss" was making the most sense to me. Pursuing a creative writing idea, trying to find a relationship with a woman while pursuing my support group meetings and martial arts had become my life. I was dating a girl who was almost everything I ever wanted. She was well-educated, extremely interested in social justice, and playful. My psychoanalytic sensibility was aroused by her behavior and life and recall thinking she must have been violated by someone. She was uncomfortable with her feminine side, and harbored a lot of anger.
I focussed my attention on this issue. When my focus of attention shifted to my own needs in this area, it seemed to me that my requirements were for a more feminine woman and greater sexuality. As a result, I broke up with her, ignoring her focus on playful behavior. Appropriately, it turns out that her attitude made her the most important friend throughout what later transpired.
As this material emerges in this writing, GRATITUDE is flooding me. The people and the process have been so gradual and important to find the truth, to find clarity. And Rage Against the Machine and now Alanis Morrissette have been playing on this CD mix here. Talk about social justice.
To continue, a great girl soon turned up in my life. Pretty, educated, and the friend of another great friend of mine. She was even in therapy and aware sexual abuse in her own past. My physical attraction to her was powerful, and lead to a moment of intimacy in which she voiced refusal to consummate things. She said, "No." I reached the height of excitement and came, in what became a coitus interruptus.
Soon after that, she called me while she was feeling upset. My response to her became her excuse to label me insensitive and justify breaking up. All this happened shortly before my birthday. I held a party, which was pretty well attended, including both my previous playful girlfriend and the one who had just broken up with me.
The party was a significant experience for me, as the fun going on around me made deep feelings of depression in me became apparent. I was still pursuing relatively solitary work on a manu>