Sometimes I just want to try to fix my life. I think about giving it all up. The booze, the smokes, the rest of it. I think sometimes about going to the hospital, and breaking down the doors, demanding they “let me in.” Yes, go in. Just go in and let them cut this filthy rope of memories out of my brain. I find myself wondering if an ice pick lobotomy can reach all of the way from behind ones eye to the soul. It had better be able to or it wont work, because that’s where the root is I hear myself conclude. Or maybe it could be exorcized out of me by a priest, after all don’t they call this part of life “wrestling with our demons?”, but then I remember their a bit busy right now and wouldn’t want to get to chummy with an adult sex abuse survivor. Then I think maybe some psychotropic drugs might be the answer. Sure why not, but then the memory of a shrink’s voice comes back to remind that “Your problems are real life problems Rick, not delusions. Meds can’t cure the fact that you’re a despicable human being.”

Doc Jaimer owns that repeating voice from the past in my head. I don’t remember his last name, but his first name “Jaimer” was more of a cutesy name from his dad, than a real name. The funny thing was, his dad made it official on the good doctors birth certificate the day he was born. Most guys would feel foolish being called their baby name as a grown man, but not “Jaimer” I could tell his Volvo driving ass thought it was “very cool”

Jaimer was one of those guys, that had got it all in life. He landed on this planet right smack dab into the loving arms of a Vermont affluent family. You know the kind, where the mom is showing flash card to her naval so Jaimer would be ahead of the pack being born able to read and with a copy of the New York Times in his so cute little hands. Of course, dear old dad was not to be out done by his wife, and was the perfect doting daddy from start to finish raising his prodigy to be the very best of all things good in men.

Yup, old Jaimer had it made from jump street all right. When I encountered Jaimer, he was dressed in a tweed suit, including leather patches on his elbows. I’m sure the look required a noble pipe and a genuine Camel scrotum tobacco pouch, but Jaimer would never smoke and he was a member of Green peace so no Camel scrotums for him.

In our conversations, I learned a lot about him, he learned more than he ever wanted to know about me. Our exchanges seemed to be more on the line of semantics and philosophy than the stripped gears in my head. The most impressive thing I learned about Jaimer and from him, was his perspective on both of our lives comparatively. In our last meeting Jaimer and I was debating the question of “why do some people get it all and others don’t get shit.” His first response was easily forecast he saying “I don’t think that question is valid or will be a help in your treatment.” Nevertheless I pressed him, stating it was indeed “valid” and more importantly something I very much wanted to understand. Jaimer did his authoritative, professional sigh and then sat looking thoughtfully for just the right amount of time.

After his pregnant pause he cleared his throat as any professional would and declared his righteous insights to me, the great unwashed. Jaimer said “Life isn’t fair Rick, that’s the cold hard facts of life.” I thought about his answer for a second, and realized that ole Jaimer had just patted me on my head and sent me on my way like a fifteenth century stoic who would not part with a single florin for the poor, but would gladly give as many “Ave Maria’s you wanted for free.

Yes good ole Jaimer was slick alright, but I was not your average urchin. Although I was a Libertine, a Philistine and a member of the trailer park Proletariat I was also a self educated wise guy. To get the Jaimer’s of the world to answer a direct question and expose what they really think requires very little, but it’s a lot like an art “some people got it, and some people don’t.” If your going to push a big fish, you got to hit him where he lives not where it hurts.

I knew that Jaimer was a self impressed man and any attack on his credibility would elicit a response from him. Since I also knew Jaimer was a “Dove” in life and I believe a coward in secret I decided a non-aggressive approach would work best with him.

Since Jaimer had previously informed me, that I was a “hardened sociopath, master manipulator and a down right perverted scoundrel to my core” I decided to give him yet another taste of me. It was like many decisions I’ve made a regret I would have to live with.

After Jaimer’s impression of his daddy’s pat answer “Life isn’t fair Rick, that’s the cold hard facts of life.” I looked at him with a knowing smirk, brought my hand to my mouth to hide my simulated chuckle and said (sounding trite) “Oh really Jaimer! Please!” translating to him as “You are such a bore and a charlatan.” When Jaimer digested my response to his wisdom, the once relaxed looking poised doctor sat bolt upright, and became red faced. He then blurted out a firestorm of statements that exposed how he and others really felt about me.

He said : “Who the hell are you to judge me! You think I owe you something just because your parents were drunks and sick, pathetic child abusers?! You think the world owes you a living just because some guy stuck a dick in your ass when you were a kid?! You sir are everything that’s wrong with our world today! You think just because you had a less than opportune childhood, you can blame the rest of the world of good, caring people for your problems of the past! “

He continued, making sure that every cut was to the bone.

“You better wake up and understand Rick, that for the most part all we as a civilized society want from you is civilized behavior in return for your privilege of living in our civilized society! What we are not interested in or going to be able to change is how you arrived at this low point, but rather what your going to do to change your situation! You need to get over the past! And here’s some food for thought Rick! I mean this is just for you, because I think you need to hear it! Did it ever occur to you, that maybe, just maybe a lot of the things that happened to you when you were a kid you had a hand in?! Did it?! You’ve told me all about how you were victimized by this, that and the other one, but what’s the rest of the story Rick?! I mean if your like this as an adult, you must have been an exceptionally hard child to raise! For all I know maybe you drove your poor family to drink! I’ll bet if your parents were here, they could fill me in pretty good about you! Am I right?!”

At this point I felt like crawling under the rug, and I knew it showed, but it didn’t slow ole Jaimer down one bit. If anything, I think it encouraged him to really get crack ‘in

“And another thing! You say you’re a straight guy, but yet it sounds like every homosexual you ever encountered came after you and did you wrong! Could it be Rick your homosexual and you go out of your way to attract other homosexuals attention?! My dad has a saying and that is “You can’t rape the willing.” and he’s been a psychiatrist for thirty years. I’ve discussed your case with him. I’m sure that makes you feel special knowing on my own time I’m talking about you! That’s fine Rick! I understand how your inflated ego needs every bit of everyone’s attention all of the time, but the point is my dad said “when it comes to cases like yours, it’s a game not worth playing. Your types are nothing more than selfish people whom live their whole lives as interlopers into the lives of good, decent people reeking havoc.” So Rick you know what? I’m going to take my dad’s advice, and ask you never to come back to my office again. In fact, I refuse to refer you to any of my colleagues for fear you would run the same self pitying crap on them! Good day!,

As many times that I have heard similar things said to me from many in my life, it nonetheless hurt just the same. I remember Jaimer smiled a slight cruel smile when he saw he had injured me and said glibly “What did you expect? Close the door on your way out!”

When I got in my car I wept bitterly. I realized I had done it again. Instead of being the perfect victim who is willing, penitent and dependant, I had sought for control and played the fool. Worse, it was now determined that I was Gay according to Jaimer. The funny thing was I didn’t feel Gay and the thought of having sex with a man willfully was and still is repugnant to me. Still though his saying so confirmed another doubt in my self just the same. I had entered his office badly screwed up and had left his office completely screwed up and now Gay. This diagnoses of homosexuality was yet another secret I would have to hide. Life had sucked thirty two minutes earlier when I had walked in, but when I walked out it was intolerable.

Throughout my whole life I have made this horrible mistake with those who said they could help me. Maybe I’ve always been to far gone to be helped at all. It appears to be part of my self destructive nature. It is like most things I do in my life. Things always end in ruins. As a boy, I used to like to build model cars. I would spends days building the perfect model, then I would admire my detailed workmanship for a short time, and then destroy it. I guess that is the most eloquent metaphor for my life.

Many years have passed since my last encounter with Jaimer, but I know he is alive and well and still practicing psychiatry. In fact he has won awards and has distinguished himself in the field. I however have lost most things I’ve ever cared about, my wife, kids, home and job. Now I spend my time living on barrowed time as my health fades faster each day.

Jaimer cured me of seeking help that day, but he did not curer my stripped gears in my head unfortunately. After all of the time that has passed, I’m stilling wondering “ why do some people get it all and others don’t get shit.”, but I’ve never ask anyone since. I have found it’s best not to. Jaimer seemed imply, that I thought the normal people of the world should get on their knees and thank God for who they are. In retrospect I think he was right. Hell, I would.

May 6, 2002, 01:52 PM