One of the wives of one of the guys here asked me why I cheated on my wife if I loved her. I wrote her a long answer. It helped me alot to write it all out and I want to share it with everyone. it might help some of the other guys or their wives.
My abuser was this guy Wayne. He was friend with my parents. He would come over and take me places when I was a kid, like fishing or looking for arrowheads, or to a ball game, or swimming at a pond, things boys like to do. It was like he was a big brother or uncle to me. We lived in the country, so someone had to drive me places. He started abusing me when I was 13-14 years old. I know it stopped when I was 14, that was when my brother came home from college. I don;t want to talk about the abuse itself.
When I remembered the abuse I didn;t tell Kimmie my wife about it but I expected her to know. Like I told this lady before I wanted Kimmie to hurt too when she didn;t know what was wtrong with me. Also I thought that I was entitled to do it. My shrink said that when boys are abused when their teenages it screws them up sexually. I was abused when I was 13-14 years old. I didn;t have sex with a woman til I was 20. Cheating on Kimmie was like making up for lost time and i was acting like a teenager, like I was 18 years old. Like I said that age was stolen from me because of Wayne so it was like I wanted to be a teenager again and do things like that like I was allowed to do them cause someone hurt me so bad.
My shrink was asking me about my feelings for Kimmie, did I still think of her sexually or did I think of her more of a mother. I been thinking about that alot and I think that I was thinking of her more as a mother although I still found her attractive. My shrink thouth that was because I wanted her to take care of me cause noone took care of me before. No one saw what waas coming, my parents let Wayne take me all those places and then when the abuse started they couldn;t see it. Nobody looked out for me, nobody took care of me, and it was like I wanted Kimmie to take care of me now cause nobody did before.
Also I don;t think I deserved to be happy. I love Kimmie and the kids. I told this lady that Kimmie is a nurse in a doctors office, she can sign per>